Being yourself
The dance of being yourself and sharing is a tricky business. For years I searched for something. For what I wasn't exactly clear. What I wanted was someone who loved me. My fantasy, someone who loved me enough to set limits, spank me if necessary, take me in hand.
I used to listen to this dating phone service in my city. I listened to the Domination/Submission category. Yikes! No one seemed to talk about love there. When I happened to bump into Gary, I had nothing to lose. I just decided to be myself. No fibs, no 'prove my worth'. My personality is highly intelligent, a force to be reckoned with, softened with a soft voice and easy laugh. I seemingly tricked men most of my life because of it. Boy did they resent the hell out of me when they found out that a soft voice doesn't mean a soft character.
Gary took the time to find out went when on behind the voice. He asked questions, challenged answers and tripped me up. It wasn't long before he found out I had a private submissive streak I barely knew I had myself. It was a matter of him wanting to know me better. What (designed) luck that he could easily coax me to defer to him. All with attention and soft suggestions. His only request is that I be myself. From there he went to great lengths to have me trust him.
In a possible relationship, you need to build a foundation of caring and love. Your man's personality will come out. You can drop hints, he can ask questions. But if it's not love, why would you allow any man to dominate you or take you in hand? To overlook the initial attraction and go right for the dominance, as some do, would be to miss a very big and important first step. Don't look for that above all else. Look for trust and love. No matter how society creates men today, I believe that once they reach a certain age, their own confidence takes over and the importance of one on one is primary. Meaning he's willing to take a chance. I know it's hard. Don't ever give up on the dream.
Comments
I couldn't agree more
Submitted by Lucy Ellis on
It really does have to be all about the love and trust. When I dated and then married my husband, I had never even thought about submission and dominance. I'd had a desire for spanking since I was a child, but never fathomed that it would have any relevance in my marriage. I did my best to recognize my emotional needs and sought someone who would take care of these. I was also mature enough to realize that what we sometimes think we need (especially when we're younger) in some cases may not turn out to be as important as we'd thought in real life. In my case, I'd always imagined myself with someone gregarious, the life of the party type, but ended up falling in love with a quiet, shy, deep-thinker with a wicked sense of humor, in actuality a much better match for my outgoing personality in many ways. If I'd given him "dominance tests" to determine if he was the One, he very likely would've failed for a variety of reasons. And if, based on those results, I'd walked away, oh what wonderful years I would've missed out on. Move forward 10+ years and no, he's not the perfect Dom. But our self-sacrificing love for one another has moved me to work hard to make him happy, and he continues to work on providing the leadership and discipline that I finally acknowledged and voiced. For me, searching for the dominance first before seeing the love and trust would've been more like putting the cart before the horse. I know many here feel just the opposite about these things, but this has been my own experience.
Lucy
Trust and love
Submitted by Hera on
It's not always that easy to find.
True...but what is...
Submitted by Blush on
It is never easy to get what is important. The path of least resistance is something we all fall into from time to time. It looks good, seems easy to get, let's grab it and check it out. We bring it home and it's not exactly what we wanted. But what the heck...
I'm' not sure we can be that cavalier about our potential love, relationship or partner. I for one had terrible luck with men. No lack of choices, but the quality of those choices were not so appealing. I think some people get to a point where they want to do the quick route. Find out if a person is dominant, or submissive first, then see a relationship can be built. The holes in that, is you miss an entire set of foundation building. What if they are the perfect dominant. But they don't like you have heavy thighs? Or you can't live with a sloppy person. Or whatever. Gary has a saying that at first made me roll my eyes. He says if some things were easy, everyone would be doing it. Hard is what makes it good. His point is, the effort is what creates the fulfillment. Meeting people has been a lifelong effort for everyone. Myself included. Don't think I believe it's a snap. What I think is, do it right.
-Blush
Thank you Blush
Submitted by Emeraldas on
I was trying to find easy answers and fast shortcuts but what you wrote reminded me that we have to get to know someone, really do, before we can tell if that person is a suitable partner for us and our needs. I will also keep in mind that a man may possess the dominant qualities I'm looking for without me being able to detect it on the first two dates! It was a bit silly to even think that I could detect who someone really is in that short a time. And too often, those who seem dominant the moment you meet them, end up being people who take, demand and order but give too little... At least it is like this in my experience.
I'm afraid I have lost track of what is primordial in any relationship : connection, heart and love. To be with a dominant man without any of these would be sad and empty. Finding the right person is about taking the risk to get closer and find out what happens then. And as it was said in an episode of the Ally McBeal TV show : "The funniest thing about love is that it's the one game you lose by refusing to play". And in love, there are no shortcuts. You have to get out there and take the risk...
Thank you for your wisdom, I really needed it!
Emeraldas :)
Quality counts...
Submitted by Blush on
For many years I dated. Power dated it can be called. It was a love/hate ritual. The best behaviors, my favorite outfits (what can I say) the stories shared. Then watching while either of us did something that gave insight to the 'real' person. I would call this losing one's charm. I waited for it. Because that was the real stuff. When the pressure was mounted, then we see the stuffing of what we are made of. As time went on, I wanted desperately to go by easy access. The gentle ones. The ones who wanted to please, or do exciting things. Fun times. But I soon found out, once the conversation ends, it never comes back. Heaven knows I'm a talker. But I am not a fair talker. I want to know all about the other person. I ask, inquire, probe, listen..probe some more. By the end of the day, I knew everything, plus some. I used to gage the person by how well they could engage me. I was highly skilled at deflecting. Like many of us, I was looking for easy. I thought the more I knew, the easier it would be to choose. Was I wrong! Superficial guys, or ones easily distracted, or insecure ones. Who were desperate for attention or needed someone to listen. They were in abundance. How do you make a lasting relationship on that? Or how do you accept a dominant from that? I was shocked to my roots when Gary asked, probed, asked again and shared. No one had ever gotten that far with me. He was insistent, firm and funny. He made all the others seem so superficial by comparison. That was what made me open my eyes. What I was looking for was a formula. What I needed was a relationship. I know it's hard to believe. But if you slow down, look around and take your time, it is out there. The only formula that works, is the one where you get to be yourself. Spoken by someone who loved, lost, got lost, got confused and finally found.
-Blush
The Rest of Your Life
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
I am not sure about formulas; the only question I ever seem to ask myself is whether the person I am with is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. And that takes time to know.
I enjoyed your re-telling of how Gary took the time and care to ask you questions. My man has done and still does the same with me. I used to be a little bothered when he would say he needed to "probe" a bit to understand...how dare he probe without my invitation! Yet, his care and interest in knowing how I feel is what has gotten us to where we are today. In a loving, caring relationship.
As time for us has unfolded, his strong willed personality has remained steadfast and very gentlemanly. While I originally felt resistant to his will, the more I learned that he did not mean it in a threatening way, helped me to relax within myself and to him.
Smitten
A Polite Request
Submitted by Blush on
I think a great deal of success in any relationship, Taken In Hand or otherwise, needs a few ingredients. One is attention to detail. Another is consistency. Let's not forget insight and watchfulness. Really, what it all comes down to is really listening to your partner. Perhaps it also means, hearing and listening. I remember once describing how Gary would 'probe' my mind. A woman listening to this was very upset at that description. What does probe mean? How does he do it? That is intrusive! I can tell you at first it was almost a weird sensation. He would ask questions, wait patiently for answers, re-ask in another way, wait again. When he thought he found what he was looking for, he went for the deepest thought. And I was rather shocked he found his way into my inner voices. It was at that point I politely asked him to "Would you please get out of my head!"
Over time and our evolution as a loving committed couple, I have come to not only appreciate that probing look, question and intelligence. I have come to depend on it. When I can't say it myself. When it overwhelms me to figure out the fine tuning. It's at this point I say 'What's going on with me Gary?". And I truly want him to tell me how I feel. He knows me well enough to on occasion ask me "Do you want me to tell you how you feel?", and I always say Yes please.
There are so many barriers broken down with the attention given. In return, I too watch him carefully. On occasion I have also been politely asked to get out of his head. It is the dance of long term love affair. Not to rehash, but that kind of love, attention, interest is what the beginnings were about. It only intensifies when it becomes Taken In Hand. Good gets better.
-Blush
Being yourself
Submitted by Crimson on
All thoughout our 36 year marriage, I have longed for my husband to genuinely take charge. The kind of taking charge and unshakled self-assurance that permeates every aspect of his life and spills over to the bedroom. It's such an elusive concept. I have tried talking to him about my longing, but he just feels like he falls short and blames me.
He sometimes feels confident for a short while but can't maintain his confidence because he is threatened by me. I don't play games to make him feel more in control. I always act in my natural way and don't apologize for being an outgoing, strong woman. That really ticks him off because he doesn't think he has "permission" to take charge. That's ludicrous, though. He chooses who he wants to be.
When our kids were little, I needed him to be there at night to be a dad, and not out doing his own thing. So he threw the baby out with the bath water, and gave up doing the things he used to like and blamed me. But the kids are all grown and gone now, and he doesn't do anything active or interesting.
He's got this big belly which I find unattractive and unmasculine. He says he'll exercise, but he never does, and I take it as an affront, like he doesn't care if he is attractive to me or not. He rarely goes to any effort to show me he loves me, and if he does, it just seems like a weak gesture; not passionate.
Anniversaries and birthdays are always a huge disappointment and we usually end up fighting over some miscommunication.
I tend to be super ambitious, way more than he is, and for 58 I look great. I just hate that we both can't be strong people and that I have to feel guilty for being strong.
He says he wants to get rid of the person inside him who is weak. But how does a man do that? I think his personality was formed before I met him, and I am not responsible for his lack of ambition and dominance. His mom is super controlling, and didn't equip her kids with self-determination. She wouldn't even let him learn to swim, she was so paranoid.
I feel like I have to wear kid gloves and be hyperaware when I talk to him. If I make a "mistake" he gets mad. Then he hides and I feel guilty, like I don't deserve a strong man. In the beginning of our relationship sex was spontaneous, but more often than not it was like play-acting. He still does not take charge in bed. Sometimes I wonder if he lacks male hormones. While sexual attraction brought us together, and he said he was attracted to my independent spirit, for the most part our marriage has been very disappointing.
How can I still be myself and have a strong husband?
Attractiveness and Weight
Submitted by Olivia on
"He's got this big belly which I find unattractive and unmasculine. He says he'll exercise, but he never does, and I take it as an affront, like he doesn't care if he is attractive to me or not."
Crimson, I too am married to a man who has put weight on throughout our marriage to the point that he would now be termed obese. It is also all around his stomach. Like you, although a few years younger, I am relatvely OK and comfortable with my body.
Yes, I can't say his body is as attractive as it was when we met, but I don't see that now. I am aware that he is overweight, but I see past that, into him. The him inside. He still feels when I touch him. I touch his body now as if it is the taut muscular body I married. He needs to feel that I love him and find him attractive despite his weight problems.
What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if you had put weight on? Would you worry that he wouldn't love you because of extra pounds?
There is growing research that obesity can be a health related problem, rather than an over-eating or laziness problem. That's not to say that people should quit making an effort, but it may be beyond his control.
My husband doesn't each much more than I do, yet he is obese and I am not. Being overweight makes it much harder to start and maintain exercise and having a wife who feels like you do, would be enough to make me not try and lose weight at all.
I wonder if he has moved from one super controlling woman,to use your words, to another? Is there any incentive for him to make the changes that he has said he would like to make? It all sounds very sad. I am sorry.
I have just felt that our marriage has hit a new point after 23 years, and it is me stepping down and back that has brought the wonderful changes about,and we didn't talk about it directly. It wasn't a conscious decision to move to a Taken In Hand relationship. Perhaps you aren't shifting over and leaving a void for him to fill? Sorry if this is harsh.
Olivia
Attractiveness and Weight
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
Olivia,
You are right. I am not leaving my man enough space. I know he feels overwhelmed by me, and isn't doing anything for himself, including any kind of exercise. He is a patient listener, and always has time for me. I don't know how to give back what he needs, though, which is more touch, and spending easy-going time together. I have never been able to do this, but it's what he asks me to do. It's like I am defiant about it. I have been so oblivious to his needs, and to his sensitive nature. And I am a very good debater. I can win any argument but it always backfires, and I lose my man's love in the end.
I figured out recently that the problem probably stems from the fact that I don't think I am worth loving; that I should just be "accepted" but not cherished.
When I met my husband, he was the softest, kindest person I had ever met. I needed to be loved, and he was willing to be kind to me. No, I don't think he loved me. I think that like my mother, he accepted me. I mistook this for love, though, and fought my way into his life. In doing so, I created another situation where I desparately wanted someone to love me completely and unconditionally. I didn't realize my husband should be drawn to me in a powerful way, without my trying to get him to do so. I was willing to just be accepted.
So that is where it stands. I want him to have his life back, with or without me.
When I mentioned that I wanted him to be strong with me, and take control. He laughed, and said he doesn't believe I would do that.
So we go from day to day. I feel like I am trying to get him to reject me and I wish I didn't have to do that. He sacrificed his life for me and his family.
Crimson
Being yourself
Submitted by Nartie on
Crimson, your post sounds like you are ready to give up. Yet, the act of writing and sharing your situation suggests that you still have hope.
I am no expert, but my life experiences have taught me that to bring about change, something has to happen. If nothing happens, nothing changes.
So, what haven’t you tried?
Have you sat down with your husband at a time when neither of you have felt stressed, and shared with him some of the things that you describe in your post? Perhaps when he realizes that the purpose of your wanting to talk is not to highlight his inadequacies, but to know that you are aware of the destructive impact of your dominance on your marriage. Is he aware of your deep feelings of unworthiness? This may be enough to stir the protective masculine side of his nature.
Have you directed him to this site? There is a profusion of posts that relate to the difficulty that many men have in understanding how their otherwise dominant wives want their husband to be the boss at home. There is a wealth of relevant information.
Have you discussed with him your altruistic thought that you ‘want him to have his life back—with or without you’? I was once in this position myself, although my thinking was more ‘without me’. My world view was that this life is not a dress rehearsal for another time, so everybody has the right to strive to be happy. I wish I had known of the basic principles that underlie Taken in Hand marriages. The outcome would probably have been different.
Have you suggested professional guidance? If you are a member of a church, your Minister would be a good person to start with, particularly if you want to move into a male led relationship. Even if you are not currently attending a church but you are a Christian, pick a church, any church. A Minister will not turn you away.
You may prefer to see a marriage guidance counselor. Word of mouth is a good referral system. It is important to provide the counselor with all the relevant information. Have things written down that will help make yourself as clear as possible. It is too easily to become totally emotionally charged at sessions which then are unproductive and costly.
Maybe writing to each other will work for both of you. You cannot debate and dominate in this way. It will give you both a chance to clarify your thoughts. Make a time to get together and swap papers. Read, but do not be judgmental. You are both making yourselves vulnerable. This is an important exercise in trust. Choose two positive things that were written and comment on them. Choose something that REALLY doesn’t work for you and say”I need to think about this.” Go from there.
Crimson, I have no idea if any of this is of any use to you. Don’t give up, you have too much to lose. It’s clear that you still care for your husband. It’s a cruel, uncaring world out there. Best wishes.