Be patient!

Until recently I had a demanding profession, which required, and got, my excellent organizational skills and leadership. Sadly these were skills I did not leave behind when I walked into the front door of my home. I always wanted a very traditional marriage—one in which my husband would be the undisputed leader, the decision maker in the family and who would be able to take me very firmly in hand—I just didn't show it. Until now.

Twelve months ago I discovered the Taken in Hand site and I related strongly to the underlying principles of Taken In Hand. The overwhelming sense of connectedness of the couples in these relationships made me aware of my longing to be in that place too.

I eagerly shared what I had learned with my husband of five years. He was definitely not interested. He focused on the discipline aspect. He did not abuse women he informed me, he was a SNAG. My response to this was to tell him that SNAG is an acronym for Sniveling Neutered Aging Gender-bender. Oh dear!

I kept reading posts on the site and bombarding him with selected readings that I hoped would give him the whole picture. Talk about overkill!

After I read the post entitled He isn't interested in or capable of taking you in hand? I emailed him a copy along with my heartfelt apology for putting so much pressure on him. He said that the reading resonated with him, and he was prepared to think further upon it.

Well, he thought and thought and thought and said and did nothing.

Two months later, little Miss Impatience here decided that we are here for a good time, not a long time, so it was time for him to share the results of his thinking.

I think he had hoped that I had forgotten about it and he was certainly not going to discuss it further.

So I gave it one last enthusiastic go. For the next month or so, whenever we had a minor/major problem, which usually resulted in me withdrawing from him, I reminded him (though not immediately) that there was a loving way of reconnecting if he was prepared to take a leadership role. He countered that, for the most part, he already saw himself as a leader in our relationship. I had to admit that this was true, but it only went a small part of the way. Then, after a recent, heated discussion on what it meant to ‘belong’ to each other, it seemed that we were not even on the same page.

So I gave up. I was all out of words.

Miracles do happen. Within a couple of days I noticed my husband taking a much greater interest than usual in my daily activities, instructing me on minor details regarding household expenses and generally making it clear that any major decisions on my part needed to be run by him before I acted on them. I have suddenly become aware that at times, he is using a new tone of voice with me, giving me well earned reprimanding looks, and disrespectful language has earned me an occasional stinging swat on the rear end.

Needless to say, without any effort on my part, I find myself responding to his more overt leadership. It’s early days, I know, but it’s a start in the right direction.

And it is so liberating.


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I pretty much agree with the

I pretty much agree with the be patient exhortation. My first post on this site was way back in February 2007. Little by little things begin to develop in our Taken In Hand-like relationship. And then late last year (2009) we entered into an agreed-upon exploratory phase of Taken In Hand. Things have progressed exponentially over the past few months and we are both overjoyed with the transformation of our relationship. Of course, we hope the same for you.


I had a similar story and very similar go at things when trying to introduce it to my husband.
You're right though patience is the key. I had to back off and wait and after a couple of months I tried again with a different approach ,playing down the discipline and talking about the obedience on my part. He wanted to think about it and offered verbal support. After awhile, one day when he was particularly upset about something, I suggested he give me a thrashing. At first he scoffed but he asked "why would I want to do that?" I told him it would help me feel less guilty, It would reset us, and it might help him release some of his frustration. He decided to try it. It was a pretty pathetic thrashing but it was a start and we've only moved forward and are not looking back. I don't know that we'll ever "arrive" but we're definitely enjoying the benefits a Taken In Hand relationship offers.

Brats take note!

It's good that you didn't resort to deliberately antagonising him (being a brat) in an attempt to get him to be more controlling. I've dated girls who thought that because I showed them respect, I wasn't "dominant" enough, and deliberately tried to anger me by doing and saying all kinds of things. Or, to put it another way, tried to manipulate me into being something I'm not.

Everyone has their own level of dominance. Some people need a little push in order to let go of certain safety devices they've put in place, others genuinely don't want to be in charge—but if, as I think you seem to have done, you've broken down some of those barriers to your man's natural desire to be in charge—then well done. You've liberated yourself and him. Win win!

Just be careful to talk to him about it. If he's really very new to the idea of taking you in hand, then he may have some strange ideas about what it all involves (which may be where his reluctance stems from)—so talk over things, how they make you both feel.

I hope that you both find what you need in there somewhere!

Old Lessons for a New Time

Without patience, no relationship will last. Still, there are times when husbands and wives need to take a stand. Otherwise, the relationship drifts into well-charted waters of dangerous shoals and unseen obstacles of life.

Even without the complications associated with marriage and family, many American women feel as if they are being blown off their intended course by unexpected winds of change. One post-modern theory says that these women tend to benefit from taken-in-hand-like relationships in which they can shed some of their responsibilities and escape the burden of accumulated emotional baggage.

Before stumping across the theory, my wife pointed out a middle-aged widow confirming the subsequent postulation. Once known for her vituperative tongue, my wife noticed that the ambitious widow was suddenly more patient with the imperfections of others and civil in her interactions with them.

Curious, my wife explored further. In time, she discovered the widow had a boyfriend—whom the widow finally admitted "bossed" her around on occasion. According to my wife, the widow hinted, although she did not always approve of her boyfriend's control, she was delighted with the results! This confession was so revolutionary that it was almost out of character.

As my wife watched the changes unfold the in the widow's life during the first year after her long-suffering husband died, she concluded that the widow had been spanked a few times by the new man in her life.

When coupled with less prosperous economic times, more once independent women will find it increasingly desirable to form intimate alliances with men. For these relationships to succeed, both men and women are going to have to shatter the walls of their estrangement.

As men reestablish their traditional assertiveness, women are going to have to resume their roles as nurturers. During the transition, both genders must become more patient. Otherwise, remnants of the *divide and conquer* strategy that was once used to separate the genders will consume them once again.

Nartie, Wonderful article!

Wonderful article!
I discovered this site a few weeks ago, and have come to realize that patience is an important key! I subtly mentioned the site to my boyfriend of 4 years, and emailed him links to a few articles (as I was mildly nervous/anxious/embarrassed to mention it right out in person), and he found the idea "interesting". As I assumed would happen, his main focus was on the discipline aspect of the relationship..They say all good things come to those who wait, so for now, I am doing my best to employ patience.