Be careful when she relaxes her defenses

I just had an experience that made me realize what delicate creatures women—and probably men for that matter—are on the inside.

When a woman finds a leading man she can trust it allows her to relax let down her defenses and be her delicate and beautiful inner self. The man must be very careful to not betray her trust because anyone with their defenses down can be hurt very easily.

Similarly it seems that not challenging a man allows him to drop his defenses and to relax and be his inner self that can also be easily be betrayed or hurt.

It seems a mistake to not acknowledge how vulnerable and open the tender emotions make us. Guarding that and respecting that seems the most important thing that can happen in a relationship.

Being in a Taken In Hand relationship makes a person particularly open and vulnerable, and each person needs to respect that and be careful.

I missed this vital issue, led too strongly and made a major mistake and scared a woman very badly.

So this is my warning for all of the other guys out there. Be careful when the woman you are with relaxes her defenses. Take care of her and defend her: don't carelessly hurt her.


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Sage Advice

This is sage advice. Thank you for posting it. I'm sorry it was a lesson that you had to learn the hard way, but it was good of you to use that experience to help others avoid it.


Couldn't agree more

After nearly 2 years of trying to had a Taken In Hand relationship with my husband I have finally given up on it. I can certainly vouch for how vulnerable and open the woman becomes and how terribly hurt she feels when it all goes wrong.

We are still together as man and wife but there is no closeness and I feel so lost and alone.

I've often asked if a laid back man can become a taken in hand man, well mine couldn't. I've come to the conclusion men as well as women are eiher wired for this or they are not and no matter how hard you try that wiring cannot be changed.

Be tenacious!

Oh Sully, I am so sorry that you feel so lost and alone. My heart goes out to you if you feel that there is no closeness in your marriage. The romantic in me wants you to do something to make your hubby sit up and take notice. Can you dye your hair pink or something?!

If your husband doesn't want a Taken In Hand relationship, can you meet him halfway with something he does want?

I am sure that you have already tried lots of ways to light a spark in your marriage and you don't need more tips from complete strangers. I just wanted to reach out to you. I heard a quote one time, no idea who said it: "It's always too soon to quit". Keep going Sully. We women need to be tenacious if we are going to get what we want.

Jane M

Missing the mark


Your post is short on details, but long on feeling. From what I understood you said, the following has worked for me over the last 2 years in a relationship similar to the relationships discussed here.

Missing the mark is always painful.

If you retain your masculine presence and your authenticity, women will be incredibly forgiving. Making a mistake is not a problem, having your masculinity collapse as a result of the mistake is a problem. Be sparing with apology, less apology with more heart is better than more apology with less heart.

Your strong leadership may have well inspired fear in her. Accept her fear, but do not make the mistake of assuming the nature of her fear. If you were too physically strong, she may be more afraid of her reaction to it than afraid of you physically hurting her. Same applies emotionally: for example, a woman that responds to humiliation may fear her response more than the humiliation.

In a real sense, the nature of her fear is irrelevant and none of your business. What is your business, is accepting her as a person, fear and all.

And don't assume she sees her inner self as beautiful. Better to accept her inner "ugliness" than to insist she is something she feels she is not. Denying a woman at least some small bit of ugly nastiness deep inside is to deny her femininity. She is female, yes, but she also evolved her way to the top of the food chain. She is a top predator. Respect that.

Now perhaps, I have missed the mark as well.

In need of adjustment

Dear Bumbling idiot.
I had a similar experience just a few days ago. The only difference is that I was on the receiving side. His anger and strength went right to my inner core and it was the worst experience of my life. With only words he reached me in ways no other man has. Why, because I know he is my dream man and that I so respect him. How could he know that my othterwise so strong personality has absolutely no defence against him. I know that he will finetune his treatment of me. I gave him written feedback the following day, as scared as I was I had to do that since I truly trust that his intent was not to get to me that badly. At the same time, despite the fear that I felt among other things, it was the best experience of my life. I had never felt so claimed and focused on in my life. He did not apologize but he did say he would not chastise if that was what I feared. I guess he got his anger out of his system, we both learnd a lot about eachother and ourselves. I would not have the situation erased from my memory even if it could be done. In fact, that he was to hard on me was better than not repremanding me for what I had done (and it was really bad, even though it was totally without bad intent, just bad judgment on my part). Had he NOT repremanded me at all would have been much worse than that he was a bit too tought. I will get over that. In fact I already have. He will help me further by showing that that kind of behaviour is not all on his repertoire. Surely you should adjust and learn. Hopefully your woman will cooperate so that you both can find the bliss of a Taken In Hand relationship.