Barbie is the doll, Ken is just an accessory.

Reenie wrote:

I told my husband about Taken In Hand awhile back. Then he started punishing me at least daily. I explained that for me Taken In Hand is not about punishment. Now he's got it into his head that it's about total submission and rituals in the bedroom and it's NOT. Can somebody PLEASE HELP ME explain it to him better?

Excuse me, but maybe explaining Taken in Hand is not what you should be considering. You need to first step back and question whether or not you are ready for a relationship that involves physical punishment. The Taken In Hand thing can be all of the wonderful things others say it is, but it can be physically and psychologically dangerous when one or more parties in the relationship are not ready for it. The words “daily punishments” send up all kinds of red flags for me. Don't go into this game until you've got your black belt in communication skills.

Has he demonstrated initiative to see how the new turn in the relationship is working for you? If not, maybe he's less ready for this than you are.

I believe that for those whose orientation leans in this direction, the Taken In Hand relationship can be fantastic. I do not believe, however, that everyone is ready for the high-octane charge that goes with corporal punishment. Women should never feel they are less than cherished. Remember: Barbie is the doll, Ken is just an accessory. There is an ocean of vanilla women out there that are, by contrast to a Taken in Hand partner, boring. You have no reason to assume that you have to endure an insensitive, cruel or dull-witted partner.

Best of luck


Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
Is there consent?
Abusive men: Hedda Nussbaum's list of red flags
Don't tell me to leave my baggage at the door
Is a Taken In Hand relationship for everyone?
Power connectivity
Women want men who are more dominant
An iron hand in a velvet glove
An alpha female bares her throat only to her mate
Why would anyone want to be controlled by a man?
Who says you have to be submissive?


My accessory

Your Barbie accessory comment made me grin--not sure my husband will agree. Would you mind explaining what you mean more? Like if you were writing him an email what would you say? I don't think I have the black belt in communication but I'm trying hard.


Response as Requested

Dear Reenie:

I'm not really configured to be comfortable with this blog thing, but I posted my comment because your initial plea disturbed me. I meant what I said about power exchange being psychologically dangerous, and I stand by my comment of Barbie being the doll. Your role as the so-called submissive party in any power exchange presupposes a great deal of trust on your part. The other half of this equation must be worthy of this trust, and that means he takes initiative to look after your well being. If he's not already doing this, maybe he just doesn't get it. Not everyone does, and expecting them to is not realistic.

I wouldn't send him an email because, at this point, I have no reason to suspect he'd be interested in my opinion. Based on what you've said, he doesn't seem appropriately interested in yours.

Whereas I see he has responsibility, so do you. If you are engaging in any kind of power exchange relationship and you find the cumulative results to be distressing, stop it right away. Proceed further down this path only after you have reached consensus. You might want to effect future changes in increments. Also: if you want to perform a certain dance and your partner doesn't hear the music, you might be with the wrong partner. If you don't acknowledge that as an option, you're not a partner, you're a prisoner.

Power exchange means SUBMITTING

Doesn't being submissive mean SUBMITTING? If she wants him to lead IMO she needs to quit complaining and follow or she's topping from the bottom.


A Taken In Hand relationship is supposed to make both people in the relationship happier. If it's not making her happier then it isn't working. Submitting does not (in a Taken In Hand context) mean just doing whatever your partner tells you regardless of how you feel about it. He is supposed to consider your feelings and wishes as well as his own. It's not about being a doormat. It's about improving relations between you and and making you communicate better with each other, and in this case it clearly hasn't happened.