Are you getting through to her?

As I have previously pointed out in various posts, my wife and I went through a period early in our marriage when she wondered when I would ever learn that I was not getting through to her. At the time, I was unable to see things from a woman's perspective.

Years later, I came to the conclusion that gentlemen do not stay married. Actually, the preceding assessment is an oversimplification since I still open car doors for my wife and seat her in restaurants. Nevertheless, it gets the point across.

Despite the facade of civilization, women choose men for much the same reason as their maternal ancestors. Consequently, underneath all the touchy-feely, women expect men to be men when they need them to be men.

It is this primal drive—even primordial urge that is most probably incorporated in the interaction of the genes—that still draws women to men with a bit of the beast inside.

Women expect men to exhibit manliness in a timely fashion. In time, they will loath his timidity.

The difficulty for the man is complicated because women frequently expect the man to figure things out for himself. This seems to be a universal test of manhood through which women put men.

Despite some early successes in our relationship, I failed to understand that Taken in Hand consists of a continuation rather than occasional discrete events. Fortunately, my wife did not leave me in ignorance until it did irreparable damage to our marriage.

Our marriage floundered until my wife challenged me to put her over my lap and seriously discipline her with an old-fashioned American schoolhouse-style paddle.

The outcome immediately improved our marriage. My wife got up with a newfound respect that radiated from the inside.

As she put herself back together, she was obviously a very much a different woman. Our marriage has not been the same since.

I have since learned that my wife is not unique. Women want men able to take them in hand. They will both love and respect men for so doing.


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No! He's not getting through!


My husband is not getting through to me and it's driving me mad! I have read through your posts and it seriously seems like you are right inside my head. You repeatedly state things that I, as a woman, have believed and felt for countless years. I suspect that your dear wife must be much like me in that I tell my husband everything. How else could you gather so much wisdom into the soul of woman? Because of your honest posts, I was finally able to accept myself and tell my husband that, while I have always feared a spanking, I suspect that it could be more effective than all of the yelling he's ever done put together. Early in our relationship I tested, tested, tested to see if I could ever "push him to the edge" so to speak. I finally gave up and took control of our marriage instead. Even though he is a good guy, I completely had no respect for my husband. I honestly did not know that "wives submit...." was true until I read your posts. It makes perfect sense and I went to my husband and repented of my disrespectful, pushy ways. No wonder he was so angry all the time---I just refused to obey!

However, while he has "taken the reins" so to speak and even spanked my bottom a few times with his hand, I just don't seem to trust that he is really the leader in our house and marriage. Suddenly, I have an insatiable drive to once again, test, test, test. I am grateful for your articles that say this is normal, but it feels "out of control" to me. There is such an inner conflict going on inside of my heart and mind. Some call it bratting, but I'm not sure if that is it. I have a lifetime of manipulative, irresponsible behaviors...I have ALWAYS done WHATEVER I want to do. When something comes to mind, I do it. Now, a little voice tells me that my husband wants me to follow the schedule, but I still don't. I'm smart enough to understand what submission means, but in the heat of the moment, part of me just wants to go have my fun. Meanwhile, another part of me wonders if my husband will be "man enough" to call me on it. Is this bratting or bad habits?

All in all, it's making me wonder if my "spanking theory" was actually incorrect. I seriously have always thought that I needed someone to "Take Me in Hand", spank my bottom soundly, and set me on the right path to accountability. I dropped out of high school for heaven sakes, and I was competing for first (top grades) in my class! I thought that the threat of a spanking would help curb my selfish impulses "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." I just keep doing things I shouldn't, like talking on the phone for several hours instead of my duties as a wife and mother. However I now have less fear of my husband's hand than I did when spanking was an imagined possibility!

My husband hasn't been consistent in disciplining me. But even more importantly, when a spanking is finally given, he tends to "stop" when I begin to resist. He probably thinks he's "hurting" me too much when I get squirmy. The thought of just laying myself across his lap without at least trying to protect my bottom when it stings, seems unimaginable to me (of course a few weeks ago, I thought submitting was crazy). I have not really cried yet, even though I so completely want to....I want to feel sorry, to resolve to do better. I was pouting mad after my last spanking, because I felt that he was putting other, unimportant things first, before me. Considering the expectations he clearly gave me for that day, which I completely disregarded, I was due for a serious spanking (his words). But when the time came, he wanted to get a quick project done instead and rushed through a quick "obligatory" spanking that left me quite confused. I am also not feeling very remorseful for my behaviors (after all, I've done them for years with him ignoring them), except for that "voice" that is telling me I should submit and obey. I love that my husband loves me enough to be gentle and it seems that I should be downright why am I not?

Taking advice from your experience with your wife, I have told him that he's not "getting through" (poor guy's feeling a bit wimpy I think) and that I suspect that I need a "memorable" spanking that will finally remind me to make the right choices...something I can think about before I take a step toward the "forbidden" so to speak. I feel like a complete and utter fool for asking my husband to do the thing I have avoided at all costs through my entire life (a paddling), but I am at the point where I figure this lifestyle is either going to work, or it's not. Was this the right thing to do? It kind of feels like it puts me back in control and I'm pushing him around again. However, I told him tonight that I'd prefer to get it over with, because I guarantee that I will keep testing relentlessly until he proves to me that he means what he says about the new schedule and rules (in my mind, that he is really able to lead).

I have improved in many areas, and I see improvement in our marriage because of it. There is very little fighting now. I certainly understand that this way of relating is about much more than just spanking (respect, love, control, communication, passion, obedience, salvation...). But one has to admit that when you finally discover that spanking does exist "out there" and it's really going to happen to you "back there", it's hard not to obsess about it at first. Despite my good intentions, certain behaviors are still ingrained in me. When my husband, in his attempts to be understanding and fair, is laid back about my disrespect and disobedience, it really is hard to respect him as the leader in our marriage. You seem completely convicted that the Taken In Hand relationship is the natural order of things. Do you truly believe that spankings can help trigger me to somehow desire to behave better, to stop my selfish behaviors that bring chaos to our home? I have cried for years about the stress and discord in our home, thinking it was all my husband's fault. Now I see my part, and I do want to correct it (for my mind and heart, as well as for obedience to God's clear call for wives to submit). My husband said very emphatically after one spanking in which he tried hard (with the wooden spoon) to "get through to me" that I was "the most strong willed woman he has ever met!" In your wisdom and opinion, must I submit to the paddle to get me there? And what does "there" look like?

If you can, please, please, please reply soon, Noone.