Alpha male in life clueless in love

First off I would like to say that this site has been quite the eyeopener. For years I searched among the bottom of the barrel bdsm sites with a lot of confusion. Now I feel I have found something that is purely me.

I have always been a leader. The guy that people go to for advice. The guy that people ask for help, cause they know it will be done. These qualities have been with me my entire life, but in my love life It's almost non-existent.

I admit to being very inexperienced in relationships. At 24 I have only had two. My first relationship really set me back. She was a very immature girl who wanted things I could not provide. When I left this relationship I had already done some serious damage to myself. I became a whipping boy lover who would rarely take a stand.

Women in my life have all varied. My grandmother was an abused woman who served a tyrant for 50 years. My mother was a very independent, strong and stubborn woman. And then there is my current ex.

In our relationship I was confused at the outset. As a man I always try to find a way to "Fix" things. In doing so I would try to please her in every way I could. Thus destroying myself and our relationship along with it. She actually showed me this site and it blew my mind. All this time I was focusing on what she wanted and not what I wanted. I know she would admit to have used this against me from time to time, but I forgive her :P.

At this stage in my life I'm rebuilding—becoming the man I want to be. I'm currently working on myself. Disciplining and learning more about myself.

I'd like to ask the users here if they have any similar stories. Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Thank you.


Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
Don't forget your whip
Practical hints for men—handling a strong woman
What if it doesn't come naturally?
Men taking responsibility
My Review of Laura Doyle's "The Surrendered Wife"
How Taken in Hand has transformed my wife
When a man takes charge, his wife no longer rejects him sexually
Physical conquest
Don't be an "if only" person
A man with a backbone can be very soothing


Thanks for commenting. I am g

Thanks for commenting. I am glad you found the site and I would love for more men to become aware of just how simple it is to have a good relationship. Simply take a stand and you can't lose!

Good article

Thank you for posting. I always enjoy reading posts from a man's perspective. I am a 25 yr. old woman, and have been married for 2 months. I love the idea of taken in hand. I find it very erotic, however I believe you will have to be really close and intimate with your partner before you can pull this off. It takes love and trust of your partner for a woman to let her guard down enough to not blow off the guy as a "jerk."
I personally wouldn't stand for being taken in hand unless I was married. You just have to be completely confident and safe in your relationship. That's the only guideline I would set on it. While you are dating, you may play around with roles, but until you are really "in it" for the long haul, and the woman feels safe (in marriage) I don't believe it will truly be a taken in hand relationship, just role playing.

Making progress

First off congratulations on your recent marriage. The dating scene itself is a rather big mystery to me. I always found it to be quite awkward. Jackson Browne wrote a great album in 1980, "Hold on, Hold out". In it he clearly describes the dating scene as it really is. Personally I have never had to enter the dating scene. Excluding my first, my last relationship was entered into without the awkward dating nonsense.

I agree that fully giving oneself to another is not something to be taken lightly. What makes dating so difficult for me is having to relearn with another. Once your in love with someone you only know love through their eyes. Until the day comes when it leaves perhaps, but I haven't been there quite yet.

At this stage in my rebuilding I'm glad to report that my confidence has risen immensely. I see things more clearly than ever and I owe quite a bit of that insight to this site. Taking the posts from the readers here and using them to further my own progression.

Once again I'd like to thank all of you whom have commented, and i promise to keep you all up to date.

OK, Allow Me Time To Put My Eyeballs Back In Place

It is good that you realize who you are at such an early age. I am nearly 60 and have only recently realized who I am and what I want.

You say you have two failed relationships. I have too many under my belt and never understood why until recently.

Except for the number of failures, I could have written what you wrote. Take advantage of your youth and knowledge. The best you have is yet to come. Enjoy it while you can.

Trust me, it will not last long enough.

Mick McCleod

Life Is a Learning Process

If you have read much of what I wrote on the subject over the past, you will discover that my knowledge of *Taken in Hand* did not emerge as an intellectual Athena sprung full-grown from some Zeus-like mental capacity. Until my wife revealed strong-willed women need seriously paddling, we were on the track to divorce.

Of course, I had an advantage because I grew up in an age in which *wife spanking* was acceptable. It was understood that brides moved from the *control* of their fathers to the *control* of their husbands. That is why *obey* was in traditional marriage vows.

While the vows have changed, women are still very much the same underneath. They are looking for a man able to protect them.

Consequently, women are forever testing the mettle of men. It is in the genes they inherited from their maternal ancestors though millennia of women interacting with men to perpetuate the species. It is not something easily erased by a few decades of impracticable legal diktats.

In truth, if you attentively pay attention, women will tell you everything you need to know about handling them. More importantly, the woman in your life will tell you what you need to know to handle her. That is really all you need to know to build a lasting relationship.

The problem for men is that women:

* Seldom speak in specifics when it comes to handling them.

* Frequently drop hints and use euphemisms when discussing how to manage them.

* Usually expect a man to understand what to do and when to do it without her having to tell him.

* Incessantly test men.

No woman wants a man she can boss around. Eventually, a woman will come to despise any man she perceives as weak.

Neither does a woman want a *tyrant*. Nevertheless, women are more inclined to stay with a strong man than with a weak one.

Much like the beds tested by Goldilocks in the Three Bears' house, women do not want what is too hard. Neither do they want what is too soft. Instead, they are look for what feels just right to them.

Women internalize paddling. They reflect on it after the fact. That is why a woman can love and respect a man today for giving her a paddling that she did not want yesterday.

The above is important because women make choices about men and relationships—rather than the other way around. For every ten breakups, the woman walks out eight of those times!

In the final analysis, women want a man on whom they can depend. Sometimes, that may mean protecting her from herself. At other times, it may mean a man giving up what he *wants* to give her what she *needs*.

A good husband has the characteristics of a father, friend, and lover all rolled into one slightly fuzzy ball with a rock-solid core. She has to know that she can tell him anything and he will still be there for her.



After reading a few of your writings I must re-evaluate the wisdom of entering into a Taken In Hand relationship. My unserstanding and hope was that it attracted emotionally mature men who had a thorough understanding of their own value as well as the value of the women in their lives. This is clearly not the case.

I should thank you. You saved me a lot of time and eventual grief.

"Power corrupts...and absolute power corrupts...absolutely."
Sir John Acton

Re: wow

My dear "fierceandfeminine", you have my sincerest condolences if your prejudices have restricted your view of the "Taken In Hand" toward the negative.

Those who run this site have made it very clear that anyone and everyone drawn to the Taken In Hand idea is welcome on this site, and there are many who consider themselves to be feminists who seem to love this site.

OK, the term "feminist" sticks in my craw because of the traditional negative attitude toward men that it presents. When I hear or read the term, I have to consciously restrict the "barf reflex". In my not so humble opinion, this site offers a forum for all relationships, even though there is an unashamed preference for posts about male-dominated "Taken In Hand" relationships.

My version of "Feminism", or what I call "Feminaziism", offers NO choice to the man OR the woman of what EITHER chooses for a relationship.

The "Taken In Hand" option at the very least offers the possibity that this method may not work and may not be the optimal choice for a given couple.

Given a choice between your "Feminaziism" and this site's "Taken In Hand", I choose "Taken In Hand", simpy because "Feminaziism" offers no choice, whilst "Taken In Hand" offers me the option to accept or reject it.

Mick McCleod

The next Mr. Darcy?

As GI Joe says, "knowing is half the battle." You sound like you're well on your way to a wonderful life. Most of the stories on this site like my husband's and mine are revelations that came later in life. So I am excited for your self-awareness at such a young age.

Now how about sharing your newly gained esoteric knowledge with your male friends? You seem to be mature for your age so I believe you would not let this valuable information fall into the hands of those who might abuse it.

For a society that claims to be open to all viewpoints we are not.
Change or acceptance can only come when there are those who are strong enough to come out of the closet so to say, and speak out and up intelligently about their ideas. I encourage you to do just that, keep reading on this site particularly writers like Noone, and to do some writing of your own! There are plenty who would benefit from you insight and what you are experiencing out there.

It's been talked about before on this site about how to recognise those with Taken In Hand qualities and not many of the comments were very conclusive so I wish you luck finding the right girl. ( I still say we need a secret handshake or something.) But on the bright side I live in a college town so I am in contact with many young women, most of them who are just waiting for chivalry to make a come back. Don't believe me, just look at the come back Jane Austen's male characters have made in the modern day media.

Zehpyr how does it feel to potentially be the next Mr. Darcy? :)

P.S. Thanks Mick and Noone for all your contributions. I wish we could hear more from you and the other male perspectives out there.


Pride and prejudice

I must admit that for a long time I passed off Jane Austen's writing. I was shown Pride and Prejudice one time and I can admit to not being mature enough to imbibe Its depth. I agree that chivalry needs to return to our everyday lives. I live in an apartment complex and I am around many couples daily. Before living here I didn't have too much contact with the sort. I get the opportunity to view couples now and more often than not, I don't like what I see.

I made a comment in my last reply saying that the concept of dating is an odd one to me. I made the comment that having to relearn love with another is tough for me. That true love is only seen through your lover's eyes. I appreciate your comment, practicallyperfect, and I thank you for your kind words. I will be revisiting Pride and Prejudice now and will almost certainly appreciate her story now. Thanks again all and I will continue to keep you up to date.


Good Stuff!

I can fully relate to what you've said in your writing. At least you've learned this at a relatively young age. I am in my 30's, and while deep down for years I've had the Taken In Hand mentality, I am just now beginning to put it into effect. The hardest part of this all is facing yourself, and realizing that for you to be able to properly assert your role you must constantly evaluate yourself and seek self improvement. As a leader in the military, I put this self evaluation process into effect. I can assure you that in this realm, it is much more important and also difficult to do. Good luck to the both of us!


"being very inexperienced in relationships" is not a bad thing. Imho every person is so different, maybe the idea of learning something through different relationships is a myth. Now I am 32 years old and have had only two relationships. I know I missed a lot of things. And a lot of them are things that I do not want in the first place. Think it that way.

I am impressed by your writing, you are so young and you know clearly a lot of stuff about you and life and what you want. Glad that young men with such attitude exist, thought only older men would know what chivalry is.

"Being Very Inexperienced In Relationships"

Inexperienced In THIS relationship!

First, understand that women are INDIVIDUALS, and as such, each has her odd quirks. Stripping it down, this woman is unique! She has her own desires and goals, as well as her established and embellished patterns for accomplishing those objectives.

We men are ALL "Very Inexperienced In Relationships", simply because this particular woman is an individual with a her own taste and ideas which may not be compliant with the attributes of the male presented to her.

Mick McCleod