A couple enters into a Taken In Hand relationship because we find that it fulfills our emotional needs. We discover a special form of connectedness (and rapture) in this, whether or not it involves spanking.
Now that we have discovered the mutuality of that special chemistry, we need to figure out how to live together, to make our love last, day in and day out, through thick and thin. (My wife and I are in our 30th monogamous year together, and I have no doubt that we will go the distance.)
We strive to create norms and agreements, a division of labour and responsibility, based on mutual respect, likes and dislikes, temperament, job demands, and so on. As everyone who has read around on this wonderful website will know, our ways of living together vary greatly. But I would assume that for the great majority of us, male and female, we agree that both partners are responsible for our conduct; we need to be accountable to one another to make a Taken In Hand relationship work.
However those basic understandings are worked out, they form the covenant of daily life. The rules of the road may differ enormously from couple to couple, but (I assume we can agree) they need to be maintained, or revised, from both sides. If the man violates their basic agreement, he acts selfishly or inconsiderately—wrongly.
Many, many times, I find that I owe my wife an apology, and I don't hesitate to give it to her. It's become a point of pride with me to be non-defensive, open to criticism. Her emotional need for my erotic dominance doesn't weaken her capacity to hold me accountable for upholding my side of our agreements in daily life. If it did, I know what would happen—she'd put a lid on her desire for my dominance in order not to forfeit her negotiating power in our relationship and the amour would begin to drain from our relationship.
So call it fairness, accountability, respect, consideration—call it what you will—just make sure she is free to speak up and express her frustration without proscribing the complaints as a way of stifling her feelings or evading the consequences of your actions. Regardless of the balance of power you consensually establish between you, agreements are a two-way street.
[NOTE TO THE WRITER: If you give me a name I will attribute your piece accordingly.—Editor.]
Have you seen the following articles?
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
Why Taken In Hand isn't actually unfair
It's not really natural for either of us
Violence in the garden
Mistakes made in forming relationships
Trials and errors—appeasement for anger
The King of the Dark Chamber, by Rabindranath Tagore: a book review
My deep dark secret
I am a strong woman but I want to be taken in hand. Is this normal?
Why you shouldn't mention the 'M' word