Advice for husbands beginning to take charge in their marriage

When a man begins a Taken In Hand relationship, he often has many questions. How to begin; how to think about taking charge of his wife; what his attitude should be. As a man in the happy position of being in a Taken In Hand marriage with a few years under my belt, here is some advice for men just beginning:

1. Assuming your wife wants a Taken In Hand relationship, imagine that your wife were happily obeying you, What would you be doing then, if she had already accepted your control? Then do that now, even before the relationship has fully developed. What you are imagining is what could be, and your optimism brings about your vision. By assuming you are in control, you bring about the assumption of control.

2. What were you doing the last time she was doing what you would have wanted her to do? Notice that, think about it, then do what you were doing and recreate your authority.

3. Think about your family as a unit. Make sure your role takes more work then anyone else's. Then fulfill your role with gusto and joy. Believe that your wife will follow your lead, and be willing to correct her when she doesn't. A few screams from a solid spanking, early on, can prevent a world of hurting later.

4. Think with pride how wonderful your family and your woman are. Ignore minor faults and richly praise attributes. A woman who will follow you has given you a wonderful compliment. A worthy woman follows a worthy man.

5. Think about doing much more together than you expect. Go shopping with her. If you are to be the leader at the grocery store, but know nothing about vegetables, lead her with your good cheer and your gentle teasing and joking. Dance publicly with her in the grocery store to celebrate your romance.

6. Think carefully and honor your children. You and your wife have chosen a Taken in Hand relationships. Your children's preferences, now or in the future, may not be yours. Your leadership of them occurs because of the smiles and decent behavior you bring to them.

7. Think about your spirituality and your obligations to G-d and others. If you are not religious, lead your family into good works and charity for others, for the sake of healing the world. Charity begins with your family, but does not end there.

8. Creatively dominate in the sex act, but make sure she is fulfilled.

9. Think about giving your wife space when she needs it. Indeed, insist that she ask for it if she needs it. Have enough confidence in her. Let her have her space and her time.

10. Give yourself time to think, even if your wife is in a panic. It doesn't mean that you or she has done anything wrong. Some women are simply emotional. Remember, you are the man in your family and your sober and careful words reassure. Better to be quiet and let your woman vent than exchange harsh words. When she is done, a few well chosen words is usually all that is needed. If not, a loving whipping followed by intercourse will usually do the trick.

Love her and cherish her. A Taken in Hand woman is the joy of a lifetime. Think about how blessed you are to be able to begin this adventure.


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Good Advice

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Ignoring minor faults

That's all very well, but what if the minor faults are the things that drive your husband nuts (as in my husband's case for instance)? It's no use my husband ignoring it if, say, the dining room table is cluttered up, when that is the kind of thing that drives him mad.

As for dancing publicly with me in the grocery store—I am sorry, but if my husband ever did that, I would never, ever want to go shopping with him again. it would be too embarrassing for words.


Dancing in the Aisles

Dancing in the aisles may depend on when and where one shops for groceries. While I have never danced with my wife in a grocery store, I have given her a long passionate kiss—in the days before video cameras became conspicuous and ubiquitous. Big Brotherism has taken a lot of the spontaneity and joy out of life.

It was this type of public affection that drove my mother-in-law to absolute distraction during the early years of our marriage. However, the older my wife gets, the more she appreciates the attention—and that is all that matters.

Women love attention

"However, the older my wife gets, the more she appreciates the attention—and that is all that matters."


Loving attention

Well, I tend not to be that fond of drawing attention to myself in public places, so I would not personally react very favourably to being kissed, danced with etc in Sainsburys or somewhere.

However, obviously some women enjoy it. It all depends on the psychology of the individual.


Minor Faults

If it's a minor fault, he would have little difficulty in overlooking it. Obviously to him, then, it's NOT a minor fault, but a significant fault if he's making an issue of it. I would even go so far as to say that the mere fact that it drives him nuts MAKES it a major issue!

What Ezekial is saying is your husband should be careful what he chooses to consider major faults...not everything can be a major fault. Else he'd be spanking you all the time. And the definition of "major issue" is not for you to define Louise...that's your husbands' purview! (of course, he needs to define these things in consideration of you and your nature).

As for dancing in the aisles, do you have to take him literally Louise? Can you see how he was giving a specific example of a category of behaviour-to demonstrate that you care for your woman?

To Bobtc

Well, many of the things my husband gets worked up about do seem to me to be pretty trivial. The fact that he doesn't consider them minor doesn't alter the fact that I find them minor. You may believe that I have no right to decide what is minor and what isn't, but that doesn't stop me thinking my own thoughts on the subject.

And he does spank me, if not all the time, then pretty frequently. Two or three times a day, normally, when he is at home.

And, on the whole, I would prefer that my husband not be too demonstrative in public, I have a very strong horror of being conspicuous.


Can you love and be loved?

To Louise, mostly but not exclusively ;o)

I am hoping to give you another perspective. Someone told me when hearing a new idea, especially one that will be objected to immediately, be honestly agreeable to it for 3 seconds. Think for 3 seconds that whatever the new idea is, it could possibly have some merit. OK? Ready? (My manner is sweet, no worries)

This dates back to Blush’s post about Romantic Rituals. I really should put this reply there but... With fear of starting ANOTHER string of comments on car door opening and public affection, here it goes, ugh.

I understand completely what Blush was saying about allowing ourselves to be loved. It is not all about us, as women. It is about how that man wants to show love (the cherish part) to his woman also. Ironically, this is not unlike how women show their love to their men…the difference being women nurture.

Let me explain. There are numerous impositions that woman place on men daily to show their “love”. Women feel that these impositions are important! Whereas, the men undoubtedly feel they are not necessary or may just be totally unwanted. Examples. Have you ever insisted that your husband put on a jacket because it was cold out? Have you ever insisted on a healthy meal? Have you ever insisted that your husband relax a minute because he looked so tired? I am sure you can think of times when you have done something similar to these, right?

Well, that husband is qualified to make these decisions himself, that is obvious. He is not a child, but we have insisted on something he could very well decide for himself out of love (the nurture part). If he acquiesces, he is allowing himself “to be loved.” Ordinarily, it may have not mattered, but since we are making such a fuss, that means it is important to us. So the man will accept our demands out of love for us. Not necessarily because they think we are right or because they like it. Saying it is for his own good, not mine doesn’t make it right either. He will not die because he didn’t put a jacket on to run outside real quick, or didn’t choose the healthy meal one time.

Our love for him (the nurturing part) has its own ideas. Deep inside we know it doesn’t matter, but we secretly want him to do as we say. Almost prove his love, kinda. Show me you love me, listen to me, let me love you. This seems very similar to the love (the cherish part) of a man. It has its own ideas. Let me open the door for you, show me you love me, listen to me, let me love you. No matter how insensible it may seem to the other. The same but different, which incidentally, is the male and female in general, the same but different.

This realization came to me because I am new to allowing myself to be loved. That is not easy to say, because it is so simple. If I am being honest with myself and you all, as a woman, I feel I should innately understand all things about love. Therefore things should be my way because I know. Well, I don’t know, but I’m learning. Women don’t have exclusive rights to the sweetness of love. It is tough to swallow, I know.

When my husband opens doors for me, I literally have to remind myself, “It’s OK. He loves me, that’s why.” Like I am sure he does when I insist on a jacket, “It’s OK. She loves me, that’s why.”

Impositions on men

no, I can honestly say that I never do this kind of thing. My husband doesn't take kindly to being told what to do, and especially resents being told what to eat, what to wear, etc. I would never tell him these sort of things, becuase it would just irritate him. He particularly disapproves of the concept of 'healthy eating',and if I tried to make him eat a healthy meal, I would probably get my head bitten off, or something.


Terrific article

I've bookmarked this article and read it many times; I find it very applicable to my situation. I particularly appreciate items 3 ("Make sure your role takes more work then anyone else's. Then fulfill your role with gusto and joy. Believe that your wife will follow your lead, and be willing to correct her when she doesn't") and 10. I hope we'll hear more from you, Ezekiel.

a great article read many times!

my H and i think this is wonderful guidance.
i love to know i please him by making sure plenty of his niggles and issues are catered for.... To me this is simply respect!
He does the same for me... He needn't but he does...
As well as allowing him to love me, take care of me.