About the site owner

How can I contact you? You can leave a comment below. If you wish your comment not to be displayed, please write at the top of your comment: “PLEASE DO NOT DISPLAY THIS COMMENT. IT IS A MESSAGE FOR THE SITE OWNER.”

Do you write everything on this site? No. Very little of it, in fact. Check the attribution at the end of each article. Look at the long list of contributors.

Do you agree with everything on this site? No. There are many different opinions presented here. With only a few exceptions I post articles on the front page because there is something about them that appeals to me, but I certainly don't agree with everything said in front page articles, let alone those that aren't on the front page. I don't even agree with things I myself have said in the past on this site, so it would be a bit difficult to agree with everything everyone else has said too!

What was your aim in starting this site? I wanted to create a new kind of site—not a standard relationship site on which it is completely taken for granted that to have a good relationship, husband and wife must be equal and seen to be equal (whether they like it or not)—and on the other hand, not a standard traditional site on which it is taken for granted that the wife should submit to her husband—but also not a BDSM / D/s / SM sex site (which all leave me personally completely cold, if not queasy). I wanted my site to be free of the cliquey language, embarrassing rituals and modes of address and the surprisingly narrow thinking one finds on some D/s and BDSM sites; and as a non-spanko, I wanted a site that would also not be a DD/spanking site.

I wanted the site to be free of posts advocating self-serving narcissism. I wanted the site not to be irresponsible. I wanted the site to do no harm. We stress that the husband in a Taken In Hand relationship puts his wife and their relationship first because that is the key to creating a marriage in which the man is in control in a good, healthy and sustainable way.

I imagined a site on which lovers of books like Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged would have deep philosophical discussions with lovers of Jane Austen's novels, and where men who appreciate Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore?, by Manis Friedman would happily rub shoulders with women who love books like Helen Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood and Laura Doyle's The Surrendered Wife.

I hoped to create a positive, warm site that would be neither anti-men nor anti-women.

I wanted to create a site that, while being firmly focused on relationships in which the husband wears the trousers in the relationship, was not hostile to other paths. The idea of Taken In Hand as a prescription for all is against everything I believe in. This is a free choice, or it would be an abomination. Taken In Hand is not compulsory! Whilst I wanted my site to focus on Taken In Hand relationships, that is just because that is my personal preference. I was not trying to create a huge site catering to all preferences, but that does not mean I think everyone should share my preferences.

I wanted the site to be supportive of lifelong, fully committed, sexually exclusive, faithful marriage, by showing that monogamy need not mean monotony but in fact can be much more exciting and sexually fulfilling than less focused (e.g., open or poly) relationships, staying single or having adulterous affairs.

I wanted the site to foster non-stereotypical, evolving, exciting unlabelled relationships in which the spouses do not feel trapped in ill-fitting role boxes. I wanted to provide a forum on which women would feel free to be themselves rather than trying to squeeze themselves into a rigid stereotypical D/s-style ‘submissive’ box, and where men would not feel pressure to put on a ridiculous swaggering stereotypical ‘dom’ act.

Taken In Hand wives respect, honour and appreciate their husbands and strive to please them, but they tend not to claim to be submissive, because they do not feel the deep need to serve that so many believe is the essence of submissiveness. I don't believe that there is any duty to submit, any more than there is a duty to be in charge. For me these matters are individual preferences, not duties or burdens to suffer.

There are many many sites out there for women who have a very deep desire to serve, and many others for those who choose to submit to their husbands for religious reasons. But until I started this site, there was no site for those women who worship the man who actively masters them and submits them but who otherwise don't feel submissive, and there was no site for men who enjoy the thrill of actively dominating and submitting their wife and who would find it boring to be in a relationship without at least a little of that.

I wanted it to be clear that the purpose of creating a Taken In Hand relationship is that, for those of us who like this sort of thing, it creates a white-hot sexual connection, and thus a rock-solid permanent bond between husband and wife. I wanted it to be obvious that if the Taken In Hand idea is not your cup of tea, it is not for you!

The Taken In Hand relationship is neither all about the man, as in some relationships in which the man has control, nor all about the woman, as in some DD relationships—it is for both. I wanted that to be very clear on my site.

I wanted to create a thoughtful site that would be about ideas—the philosophy and the psychology of these relationships, the underlying substance—rather than experiences or particular practices. I had in mind a more analytical, deeply interesting (to me) site that would raise and discuss interesting issues that would help people create vibrantly happy marriages and improve relationships more generally, as opposed to a site that would just have a lot of posts detailing posters' experiences. Sometimes experience posts do raise interesting issues but often they are just experiences. Experience posts also tend to give too much information (for my taste, at least), and the more such posts we have on the site, the more it attracts similar posts.

I wanted my site to be one free of exhibitionism—one on which private information (such as intimate details about what a poster did in the bedroom on a given occasion) would remain private rather than appearing on the site. I wanted my site to appeal as much to readers' parents or grandparents, as to individuals who might also read obviously racy, graphic sites.

I wanted my site to be free of religious proselytising. On the other hand I did not want my site to be hostile to religious people. I wanted it to appeal to Orthodox rabbis and conservative Christians as well as atheists.

I wanted a site that would take it for granted that different men, and indeed couples, have wildly different preferences in regard to how the control can be manifested in a Taken In Hand relationship, rather than being a site that would be dominated by one preference in this regard.

I hoped that readers would be able to see the beautiful substance beneath the overt form of the Taken In Hand relationship in general, and of individual couples' relationships in particular.

I hoped that people would see this site not as a throwback to darker times when women had no choice, but as an expression of the real choice women (at least Western women) now have. I hoped that this site would give women who have, in psychological terms, had no choice but to choose so-called equality, the psychological freedom to choose a Taken In Hand relationship instead of that miserable (for them) so-called equality. And I hoped that this site would, similarly, make men, too, feel more free to embrace their preference for a Taken In Hand relationship. In no way do I want to make anyone feel compelled to change any preference they might have.

On some sites, there is a snobbishness that I find unappealing. There is a sort of hierarchy of posters, with those not claiming to be ‘experienced’ being deemed less likely to have good ideas. What nonsense! I wanted my site to be free of posts arguing from authority. I wanted my site to be free of posts talking down to other people.

I wanted my site to be free of meta comments—endless arguments about meta issues such as how to post, how the site should be run, how x's response was judgemental, or y shouldn't have posted in z manner. I hoped that posters would address ideas and issues and not get into uninteresting petty squabbles about what is acceptable behaviour on the site.

Have I achieved my aim? Erm... not yet, not perfectly at least, but nevertheless the site does have its own unique identity, and people seem to be discussing Taken In Hand relationships—and using my chosen phrase, “Taken In Hand” to do so—all over the internet.

Why did you choose the phrase “Taken In Hand”? The phrase “taken in hand” is not perfect, in that it is often taken to imply that the women in Taken In Hand relationships are spanked or disciplined or punished, whereas, in fact, many or most are not. DeeMarie, for example, is thoroughly Taken In Hand inclined, but takes a very dim view of the whole spanking/discipline/punishment idea.

I chose the phrase “taken in hand” to distinguish my site from sites aimed at those who believe that if a woman wants to live under the control of a man, she must be a very obedient, already-in-hand women with a deep need to serve and obey.

Many D/s ‘doms’ want to be served and obeyed and would never countenance the idea of dominating and submitting their woman. Some are positively scathing about the idea. There was no site in existence for those who do enjoy dominating and submitting their woman. I wanted my site to be for those men, and the women who love them. The phrase “taken in hand” highlights the activeness of the husband's control, and does not suggest that it is a wife's duty to be already in hand. It suggests the sort of dominance that involves submitting the woman, as opposed to the sort of dominance that requires the woman to act as if she has already been submitted by the man despite the fact that she hasn't.

Please do not conclude that I think any man has a duty to dominate and submit his wife. I do not! If submitting your woman is not a thrill for you but instead a disagreeable chore that you find entirely uninteresting, then Taken In Hand is not aimed at you. This is not about fixed prescriptions and proscriptions, it is about individual preferences.

I also like the fact that the phrase “taken in hand” suggests interaction, connection, and movement towards an ever-better relationship.

Are you in this kind of relationship yourself? Yes. As are most of the many other writers on this site.

The Taken In Hand Site Owner and Creator

The Taken In Hand Tour start | next


Congratulations on creating a great site!

You have created an intelligent, fascinating site that deals with the subject in an interesting and natural way without being pornographic in the slightest. I appreciate the way the selection of articles respects women as wives and their need to find marital happiness and romance through encouraging their husbands to be strong. Keep up the good work. Wm.

Thomas Bray

Superb Web Site but...

This is a superb Web Site you've created but what is it? You talk about Traditional Relationships, but you say you don't think it's Natural and you're not religious. Is it a DD site? Parts of it look like a Spanko Site. There's a lot of D/s on it, are you D/s? It's confusing because you've said comments against BDSM but the Site could be a TPE one.... except you don't accept the slave/master dynamic. What are you????

What are we?

We are many unique people with different insights and opinions. You've stated you think the website superb so why the need to put the writers here in neat little categories? Each of us is confident in who we are as I suppose you are confident in yourself. I think one of the best things about this site is that it can be so many things for so many people and each can take away what he needs or wants.


There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.--Edith Wharton

Superb Web Site but.......

Mary Lou Day's comments are interesting and not at all perplexing, in my opinion. This site is about very traditional relationships (like marriage/monogamy), it is not about religion (though it does seem to follow the Judaeo-Christian ethic of love), it is about domestic discipline (who has not, man or woman, mentally or physically disciplined their lover), it is a 'spanko site' (because some of us spank or whip), it is D/s (because some of us use D/s methods), it is BDSM (because, if we are honest, we all love to be tied down and 'taken'), it is TPE (because we all exchange huge amounts of power when we give ourselves to each other)... we all incorporate PART of all these systems (and many, many others) into that great and gorgeous brew we call love—with marriage, partnership, care, freedom, equality, the kids.. everything all gets mixed in.

Clearly I can't speak for the site owner—whether or not he or she is into D/s or heavily into TPE or whatever... but since he or she appears to be a very human being, he or she is, presumably just like the rest of us... taking whatever he or she needs from wherever to be a unique human being... just like the rest of us.