I find that despite what I would have thought a few years ago about how I would feel about a man making any sort of decisions for me, the more Mike makes, the better I feel. To be honest it seems totally ridiculous for a modern woman with an education to want anyone at all to make decisions for her. I must admit that I am not totally comfortable with this side of me. I am not sure if I have completely come to terms with it.
Wanting a man to be in control is almost completely in contradiction with my personality. I am strong willed, quick to form strong opinions, not altogether agreeable with authority. I have, and still do, give Mike a real run for his money in the ways I have found to contradict him! I often will react to any attempt by Mike to take control by first telling why what he wants is completely out of the question, and just not a good idea. I will often get angry, even incredulous with him when he persists with an idea.
A good story I have about this is about what time we get up in the morning. Mike has to leave for work at a completely disgusting hour in the morning. I am by no means a late riser, but I like to get up at 7 am, and Mike is already at work at that time on most days. This means that Mike needs to wake up an indecent hour in the morning. It also means that he needs to go to bed comparably early to most people. I am not always ready for bed when he is. So Mike decided at one point that I need to get up with him in the morning. That way we could spend time together in the morning. He argued that I could do whatever I normally do at night, a time I covet as a “no kid” do-whatever-I-want time, in the morning. I totally did not want to get up at 4:30-5:00am. I balked at his attempt to take this control. His reasoning was solid; he wanted us to spend time together. He said, “Well you ARE getting up at that time, so just get used to it. It is what I want. It is what I think is best for us.”
Seeing as I am always saying that I want a man in control you would think that I would have meekly said, “OK” and left it at that. Hahahahaha! I quickly became furious with Mike. I told him that I was a grown woman and he could not tell what time I had to get up in the morning. Of course he answered with he darn well could, and he was telling me what time I had to get up. The lawyer in me came out and started telling Mike the 101 reasons why his idea was not a good one. When he refused to engage me in this line of reasoning I got angrier and told him that no I simply refuse to get up. I want and need to sleep at the times I do, and I was not willing to change. Too bad, so sad for him. By now he was reminding me that I had better get both my tone and my attitude in check, and that he was not changing his mind. He said, “I cannot make you get up; I am telling you that you must. If you choose not to, that is your choice, but if your feet do not hit the floor less than 10 minutes after I get up in the morning your backside will pay dearly for it.” End of discussion.
I was angry with Mike for pushing this issue. I did choose to get up in the morning with him the next day. Even though I was angry, it felt right in so many ways. No matter what I am feeling on the surface, inside I really want him to hold firm. Things feel right in the world when this is the case. This has been one of the hardest things for Mike to get around. The resistance I feel can be confusing in so many ways. I do not want him to give in to me just because I am angry with him. Although if you asked me this in the heat of the moment I would say that I really did think he was being unreasonable and that I really do want him to change his mind. The more firm he holds, the more safe, loved, wanted, cherished and happy I feel. It is a strange thing; but it is right for us.