A man with a backbone can be very soothing

I find that despite what I would have thought a few years ago about how I would feel about a man making any sort of decisions for me, the more Mike makes, the better I feel. To be honest it seems totally ridiculous for a modern woman with an education to want anyone at all to make decisions for her. I must admit that I am not totally comfortable with this side of me. I am not sure if I have completely come to terms with it.

Wanting a man to be in control is almost completely in contradiction with my personality. I am strong willed, quick to form strong opinions, not altogether agreeable with authority. I have, and still do, give Mike a real run for his money in the ways I have found to contradict him! I often will react to any attempt by Mike to take control by first telling why what he wants is completely out of the question, and just not a good idea. I will often get angry, even incredulous with him when he persists with an idea.

A good story I have about this is about what time we get up in the morning. Mike has to leave for work at a completely disgusting hour in the morning. I am by no means a late riser, but I like to get up at 7 am, and Mike is already at work at that time on most days. This means that Mike needs to wake up an indecent hour in the morning. It also means that he needs to go to bed comparably early to most people. I am not always ready for bed when he is. So Mike decided at one point that I need to get up with him in the morning. That way we could spend time together in the morning. He argued that I could do whatever I normally do at night, a time I covet as a “no kid” do-whatever-I-want time, in the morning. I totally did not want to get up at 4:30-5:00am. I balked at his attempt to take this control. His reasoning was solid; he wanted us to spend time together. He said, “Well you ARE getting up at that time, so just get used to it. It is what I want. It is what I think is best for us.”

Seeing as I am always saying that I want a man in control you would think that I would have meekly said, “OK” and left it at that. Hahahahaha! I quickly became furious with Mike. I told him that I was a grown woman and he could not tell what time I had to get up in the morning. Of course he answered with he darn well could, and he was telling me what time I had to get up. The lawyer in me came out and started telling Mike the 101 reasons why his idea was not a good one. When he refused to engage me in this line of reasoning I got angrier and told him that no I simply refuse to get up. I want and need to sleep at the times I do, and I was not willing to change. Too bad, so sad for him. By now he was reminding me that I had better get both my tone and my attitude in check, and that he was not changing his mind. He said, “I cannot make you get up; I am telling you that you must. If you choose not to, that is your choice, but if your feet do not hit the floor less than 10 minutes after I get up in the morning your backside will pay dearly for it.” End of discussion.

I was angry with Mike for pushing this issue. I did choose to get up in the morning with him the next day. Even though I was angry, it felt right in so many ways. No matter what I am feeling on the surface, inside I really want him to hold firm. Things feel right in the world when this is the case. This has been one of the hardest things for Mike to get around. The resistance I feel can be confusing in so many ways. I do not want him to give in to me just because I am angry with him. Although if you asked me this in the heat of the moment I would say that I really did think he was being unreasonable and that I really do want him to change his mind. The more firm he holds, the more safe, loved, wanted, cherished and happy I feel. It is a strange thing; but it is right for us.


Take the Taken In Hand tour


Uncomfortable with this desire?

I, too, find it very soothing when a man is decisive and firmly makes a decision when I am vacillating or unsure what I want. I think many women feel the same way.

I think many modern women have these feelings and feel embarrassed about it. It goes against everything we are supposed to want. It sounds, on the face of it, diminishing to the woman. Is she a competent adult or a young child? It can feel very disturbing to want a man to stand firm, as Tevemer suggests. And yet, it is undeniable: we want that. Not all women, obviously. Not even all Taken In Hand women. But some Taken In Hand women most definitely do want this. And of those women, a large percentage need to deal with the fact that wanting a man to make decisions and stick to them is regarded as beyond the pale even by some Taken In Hand folk, let alone more conventional, egalitarian folk.

If you have gone through this, or are wrestling with this, I hope you will write about it. You are not alone.

Modern and Tired

I get tired sometimes of being a modern woman. The strong, capable woman that society has been saying I CAN be. And how does that affect the man in my life? Sometimes I just want to roll with whatever he decides. Less stress, less worry. But I better not tell this to other woman for they may think I am not capable...sure.
The bottom line is "do I feel happy"? Is my man happy? If I can answer both questions positively, that's what matters. The other issues are usually trivial anyhow.

Modern, Tired, and Sleep Options

I am the product of the Women's Movement of the 1970's—a period during which I was in college. I'm considered well-educated (2 undergraduate degrees and 1 Masters), and I made my career in what was then an unconventional field for women (and which may be becoming so again). Let me say, by the way, that I am still a committed feminist and believe in equal rights and opportunities for women.

At the time, the work environment felt a bit hostile, since it was believed that women could not excel in areas which required logic and mathematics, so some men fed an already deep resentment I felt by treating me inferior to them intellectually. In short, I spent quite a bit of time pissed off.

I am a VERY alpha female. So much so that I never really gave men who expressed dominant behaviors any sort of consideration, because I felt that any relationship with such a male would have been impossible to sustain. I also quite frankly knew deep in my bones that such men would never find me an attractive option (and I believe they probably never did ). I was very competitive, and adopted many male behaviors to try to discourage those around me from thinking of me as an "incapable female"...

I believe, now, that I am a mature woman, I realize that this was probably a mistake, as I never fell deeply in love in my life, and I believe that I may have passed up some opportunities to do so.

It took very long to realize that the resentments towards men were doing me more harm than good. Now that I've reached my 50's and am not really expecting to find a soul mate, I can truthfully say that I believe relationships are a balancing act, and that forging a life is an effort that has no true rules of thumb. The best life is the adventurous one, and it is important to try things before concluding they won't work for you.

So sleep together or don't. Folks can give you opinions and some few have insights, but the bottom line is to find what works by trying it out and making adjustments as you go along...

Irindel—A Fan of Lara Croft

Embarrassed feelings

I find it interesting that the boss mentions embarrassment in relation to this kind of exchange between a husband and wife, as my reaction would never be such. My immediate response might be resistance, not wanting to get up, but to me this is one of the clearest examples of the use of discipline to keep the relationship intact, whole and healthy. The suggestion of a spanking simply added the thrilling element I love and seek. When that was added, I would begin to think through what was actually being asked..... and it was a request to spend time with him.
My lack of embarrassment may stem from the fact that I do not sense any form of behavior correction here, instead I see a husbsand using the consent given to him by his wife to lead their relationship and keep it whole...This is what I want from my husband, and I would see the value in it and love him deeply for it. To me it says he values not only me but us, and what woman doesn't what that?

As far as it going against what we want, I am not sure that is true either, at least it is not true for me. I want this dynamic, and that means I have given him consent to use it. I have done that for a specific reason and that does not mean I am not a modern woman......in fact, because I have done exactly that probably means I am. I am the one who made this choice in reality, not him. He is basically doing what I have asked him to do. Of course he could choose not to do it. It actually requires the consent of both of us for it to work. So, it really isn't about a man deciding to do this to a woman, the woman has already decided it for herself, and her husband has consented along with her to be a part of it together with her. It's a partnership, a sexual one they share and enjoy and it's enriching to them both, or I suspect they would do something else.

Men with backbone

My husband has never laid down any rules about when I should go to bed or when I should get up, it isn't something that is important to him. Occasionally he does have to get up very early in the morning, but when he does he's in no mood for company anyway, he's rushing round getting ready and muttering to himself, madly busy and also annoyed at having to get up at the 'crack of dawn' (which for him is any hour before about 10 am). usually I'm up hours before he is, he sometimes tells me I wouldn't get so tired at night if I didn't get up so early in the mornings, but he's never insisted on me staying in bed or anything.

But I do find that if he is insistent about something that he wants me to do and I don't much want to do it, I can get sulky and petulant, but really I like it if he sticks to his guns and is firm about it, I find my resistance is overcome and I feel myself submitting, reluctantly perhaps, but also with a sort of reluctant pleasure.

I find it bewildering that I should enjoy this, my own nature having always been so anti-authoritarian, and my inclination is to feel that it is absurd that I should get pleasure out of this, but nevertheless I do. How can I like being told what to do when it is so against what I have always believed to be my own nature? I've no idea.


Yes, it's easier if someone sticks to his decision. If he doesn't, it's confusing.

The bed time example would be very hard for me, although I think it's important couples go to bed at the same time and in general if practicable don't see why an informed decision by the man about that isn't the best way to decide it...although even then some people need 6 hours sleep a night and some 8.

In effect if you have a family it means you get no free time in the example given. That's a huge thing to ask a mother. You can't do what you wants at 6am because either she's talking to her husband because he asked her to get up to be with him or else the children get up. So in essense it means I am depriving you of 100% of your free time. I suppose if he said but in return I will take the children out for 5 hours every weekend and you can catch up on your admin etc then that just about might be an acceptable compromise. So I suppose I mean I find the principle fine but the example difficult.

Toasted Buns!

We have had similar discussions concerning other matters but when my attitude rears its head there is usually a price to pay. I am strong willed and I don't give in easily during a real issue. Over the years I have matured and there are times when I will just submit to his authority right away. No problem! And I feel that I have made great progress in learning to obey his wishes But then there are other times when I won't!If there is some issue between us and he tells me to "just stop it"! I won't I will go on and on. I will push it to the highest heights and when that happens he nips it in the bud straight away! I am then as we call it "Toast"! He toasts my buns!
When he takes control and exercises his authority it does seem to deescalate the issue at hand. I do feel comforted by this in a way that nothing else could.Sometimes he will just say a word to me or give me a look. Then other times when I am not deescalating on my own he will spank me. His authority does make me feel loved, adored and respected. Because he loves me and respects me enough to not allow me to get out of line with him! That is something that I deeply cherish about him in our marriage. It is comforting to know that no matter what, he will exercise his authority to keep our relationsip on track if need be. What can I say other than it just works for us and has created a special bond between us.

I tend to give in pretty quic

I tend to give in pretty quickly when we are in disagreement about something. I want to make him happy, I also asked him to take control, so it only makes sense that I should honor that.

That being said, there are times when it is hard for me to reconcile his desires. A few weeks back I got in a bit of hot water over my cell phone habits. My belief is that cell phones ARE car phones, designed to be used in the car. I also believe that it is no more dangerous to have a cell phone conversation while driving than it is to talk to a passenger. Probably less dangerous as it is impossible to look at who you are talking to on the phone, so you keep your eyes on the road. He and my hairbrush apparently believe differently. While I have given up the behavior it hasn't stopped the argument. I just have it in my own sneaky little way: "Do you want a piece of gum?" "Are you sure it's safe to chew it while I walk?" or upon seeing an idiot driver: "perhaps it would help him to talk on his cell phone"

All of course said with an innocent smile and a quick kiss to ease any irritation. I think we both know at some level the issue isn't yet resolved, but he is happy enough just knowing that I'm no longer using the phone while I drive. For my part I think it's a silly rule, but it's not so important an issue to me that I can't generally abide by his wishes. Of course on a long boring drive I'm not making any promises. Driving while chatting is infinitely less dangerous than driving while dozing, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

If he didn't hold his ground

If he didn't hold his ground I know for a fact I would walk all over him. I cannot be submissive if he cannot be dominant. I've never had a real life taken in hand relationship but according to my actions in past relationships, when given an inch, I take a mile. Not that I'm difficult or anything, just very strong willed and I have yet to find the man whose will exceeds mine. Without his unyielding dominance, such as your Mike displayed, I think I would instinctively revert back to "taking care of myself" mode because that is the only thing I know how to do. I long to feel that comfort and peace so many of you feel when your man can stand up to even your best attempt at "getting your way".

On the other hand...I would have stayed in bed for at least the following morning because the consequences sound irresistible. I'm ornery to the core though. I wonder, is that the wrong attitude for a submissive woman to have?

Ornery to the core

Kimberly it seems to me your desire to stay in bed at least once is not having a wrong attitude, it is more a desire to have a connection with your husband. As you mentioned the consequences sound irresistible, I found the same thing to be true. I wanted the consequences, and I wanted the time with my husband. What he was insisting upon was not at all adverse to my desire for what I see as good for a relationship. It might disturb my sleep a bit or reduce my free time, because I think I would have to go to bed earlier, but I actually would like that too as I do like to go to bed with my husband whenever I can. There is definately a give and take, but the end result would be very good in my view, exceedingly so.