A man leads with love and kindness

I am a man. A man thinks. A man makes decisions. A man leads. A man is active. A man initiates. A man pursues. A man wears the pants in his relationship. A man commands. A man is dominant. A man masters his woman. A man takes his woman.

But the man also gives the woman. He's the biggest giver in the relationship. He works his butt off to give his wife everything she needs and wants. A man is generous. He works hard to support and provide for his wife. He loves and cherishes her and makes sure she knows he cares. He's kind and considerate to her and puts her first. A man puts his wife and their relationship first to balance the power and control he has in the relationship. A man listens to his wife's feelings and wraps her in his strong arms both literally and metaphorically. He protects his wife from anything or anybody that would harm her. He would give his life for her.

My wife respects me and follows me because she knows that I have her best interests at heart. She trusts me to take us where we need to go. She defers to my decisions and accepts my leadership because she knows that I put her and our relationship first, before my own wants and needs. She is receptive and appreciative of my gifts. She has created a warm and inviting home for us and she fills it with sensuality and pleasure. She is feminine and responsive when I take her, and she never says no. She needs to be taken just as much as I need to take her. A primal physical coupling of bodies. A union of souls. A sacred bond.

It's been a long road to this point in time. When we first got married some 23 years ago my wife and I fought so much we nearly got divorced in the second year of our marriage. It was difficult to juggle marriage and kids but even before the first child was born our relationship was stormy. I didn't get why my wife couldn't just accept my leadership and let me do what I was supposed to do, and she didn't see why she should accept my decisions. It took years to get to where we are now.

I think the turning point was when one of our kids had an accident and nearly died. When that incident happened I KNEW what to do and I took command more forcefully than I'd done in the years up to that point in time. I think my wife was stunned by the power of my determination and leadership. She did what I told her with no complaints or challenges. For the first time I saw my wife being meek and obedient and after that I knew I had to have her like that more of the time. It was like a switch had been flipped that turned on my power and her acceptance of my leadership in our marriage. After that I was probably more decisive, confident and commanding, which my wife responds well to, but more than that, I think she saw for the first time that I would be there for her and the kids, that I would always step up to the plate when the chips are down. She finally trusted me to be the man and protect her and the kids. She saw who is the man among us, and who is the woman, and she liked it.

If I had one piece of advice to give to men and women entering a marriage it would be this: men, don't just master her – put your wife first and let her know you love her. A woman needs to trust that you will treat her like a queen. Don't be selfish and too into yourself and your own needs, be considerate and tender with her or she'll lose her respect and her desire for you. Treat her like your queen and she'll treat you like a king. Women, respect your husband and accept his leadership. Don't try to wear the pants – your husband will fight like a dog to retain the masculine position, and either you'll lose the fight or you'll lose the relationship. Take care of your man's ego, and he'll take care of your feelings. Both, believe that together you can get through whatever problems you're having, and keep trying. Never give up!

Ed

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Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be

2006 Jan 7 - 22:43 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

What an amazing article. It's

What an amazing article. It's so well written and speaks to so many truths. I have never been this happy in my entire life and I am this happy because my man has stood up and taken control of my life. I have just blossomed as a woman and submissive under his hand.

Very well written Ed...

by llama on 2006 Jan 8 - 01:33 | reply to this comment

Perhaps it's something you have to mature into

My husband and I used to quarrel all the time 23 years ago too, and we did get divorced. My husband's attempts to be assertive with me were always a failure, because he was too aggressive about it. I might have responded differently had he behaved differently, or it might be I just wasn't ready for that kind of relationship. Perhaps it's something you have to mature into. But I think that some people are never going to grow into it, because I don't think they are suited to that kind of thing.

My husband is a very generous, giving man, but he doesn't treat me like a queen, and I don't really want him to. I don't want to spend my time making speeches, opening things, waving from balconies and wearing hats. I can be meek and obedient, but I can also be rebellious, and while I enjoy it when my husband is assertive with me, I know that this is not what will work for everybody. some women would just be fed up if their husbands tried to boss them about (I used to get fed up with it, still do occasionally).

I think if I was giving advice to people about to get married, I would say try and be considerate of each other's feelings, but I would never advise a man to dominate his wife or the wife to defer to the husband, because I think that would be assuming too much that their tastes were similar to my own. Men can be very bossy without necessarily having their partner's best interests at heart. My best friend is currently suffering from her boyfriend's obsession with keeping their house immaculate (she is not at all like me, she is very clean and tidy, but not tidy enough for him, she even had to fight to get Christmas decorations into the house). I would never say to her "defer to him and get rid of the decorations" because I don't see any reason why she shouldn't have the decorations in the house. I think he's nuts.

If a man isn't dominant and a leader then he's still a man who will probably make some woman happy if he finds one who doesn't want a leader type. There are plenty of those about. I think my friend is rapidly coming to the conclusion that she'd be happier with someone more laid-back. My husband seems positively easy-going compared to him. The dominant male fantasy is a delightful one, but I think a lot of women would probably prefer to do without the reality.

by Louise C on 2006 Jan 8 - 09:24 | reply to this comment

A Man Leads

Most men couldn't care less about anyone but themselves. But, it's a nice theory of yours.

Just because you are one in a million does not mean the all men are like that.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jan 8 - 23:29 | reply to this comment

My partner is dominant. He i

My partner is dominant. He is consistent with his pattern of behavior. He is very loving. I like Ed's article. I also understand Louise's point and like everything else, people have to determine what works best for them. Ed's point of view would not have worked for me in my younger years but now it does. And it is the total package that works in this relationship. A man can not be dominant in one area or on one day and then change. It must be consistent. I am very happy to be in a relationship like this at this time in my life. I have changed over time and accept and want this. Ed's article is great and well said.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jan 8 - 23:44 | reply to this comment

A man leads

Nicely written ... I was with you right up until you said meek and obedient ...

Now I try hard to be an obedient wife but it is not because I am meek. I guess I won't inherit the Earth.

I try to do want my husband asks for one reason only.

I love and respect him and I want him to be happy. If keeping my desk clean makes him happy then I'll do my full level best to keep it clean.

I hope that I am overeacting to the use of these two words together ... Ed did say that he wanted his wife to be that way "more often".

I can say without a doubt that if my sweetie thought Taken In Hand would make me be meek - he would discontinue it right away. I also think he would never want me to blindly obey him.

Everything Louise said made perfect sense to me ... I for one, am realizing that a Taken In Hand relationship is not a fantasy wrapped in a beautiful misty fog. It's real. With real mistakes, bumps in the road and fraught with the same things other relationships have. The difference is Taken In Hand resolves these issues is a way that keeps the participants connected and generally happier than I have seen other ways of relating work.

A lot of what Ed said was really nice and I will read it to my hubby ... but meek and obiediant ... HOOOEY!

by Miss Tess on 2006 Jan 9 - 04:31 | reply to this comment

Why this article appeals to me

This article speaks to my own experience as a woman in a male-led relationship. I was Ed's wife at the beginning of my marriage too. I fought my husband on every little issue and looking back I don't know why I did that. It's not like he was a domineering b*stard, he was always a good man. But altho' I chose him because of his masterful personality I would fight him on everything anyway.

Over the years, as he's come thru for me when I've needed him, I've started trusting him and feeling sure of his love and devotion, and that's really what's made me let go and accept his authority.

I always wanted him to be the authority figure in my life but I didn't know how to let go and trust him until years had passed. When you've got a good guy and you want him to be the authority figure why fight it?

I guess my husband probably felt like it was a relief to have me being softer and after what I put my husband thru, it wouldn't surprise me if he liked it when I was meek and obedient now and again, if only for the peace after more stormy times. I can understand why Ed felt like that.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jan 9 - 09:52 | reply to this comment

Male bashing

I am so weary of male bashing. I find women every bit as selfish as you claim that men are. And they have the power of the courts to empower their selfishness. I know of this firsthand.

Sharon

by sarahdinah on 2006 Jan 9 - 15:48 | reply to this comment

Selfishness

I think men and women are both capable of being selfish. The person who made this comment probably had some bad experience of men who only cared about themselves, as who hasn't? I've certainly known some selfish men in my time. There are men who are kind and caring, and there are men who are selfish pigs. The same could be said of women. I would guess that most of us are people who are both selfish and unselfish, we want our own way and we want to make others happy as well. Finding the right balance can be difficult. Having a Taken In Hand relationship is one way of finding the right balance, though not the only way.

by Louise C on 2006 Jan 9 - 19:42 | reply to this comment

Very wise words

Thank you, Louise, for your very wise words. I have certainly known my share of selfish men and women alike, and most of them, if not all of them, were not selfish 100% of the time. I know that I am not selfless and perfect all of the time - just most of the time...LOL!

Sharon

by sarahdinah on 2006 Jan 10 - 17:09 | reply to this comment

I agree totally that "The dom

I agree totally that "The dominant male fantasy is a delightful one, but I think a lot of women would probably prefer to do without the reality." If a woman is just looking for a dominant man, I think she will either be abused or sadly disappointed in the end. However, if she finds a man that she truly respects, feels total trust with, and is made to feel like the most beautiful and special woman in the world by him, then when he takes the lead in the relationship she will naturally follow. There may be times that she feels a need to test his leadership or that they bump heads in decisions, but ultimately if she feels cherished by him, when he steps up to the plate and takes the lead, she will appreciate his "dominant" side, but if the primary encounter she has from him is dominance, then that is not a loving relationship at all and is certain to be a failure.

As for men being selish and bossy, this is true. Some men are definitely that way which is why a woman should not be looking just for a dominant man, but for a man that truly cherishes her as he does his own life and that she can truly respect.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jan 16 - 02:56 | reply to this comment

Husband as servant leader of his wife

I found this article very interesting and thought-provoking. What I got from it is that in a Taken In Hand relationship the wife obeys or follows the husband's lead, while the man serves the woman and his family or is the primary giver as well as being the leader. It's a bit like the Promise Keepers servant leader idea but without the religious connotations. (I guess another difference is you guys don't think this is the way all relationships should be.)

Would you agree about the servant leader idea? If so I like the balance that comes from the fact that the husband serves the wife he controls/dominates/leads. I can see how the power could go to some husbands' heads without that balancing factor.

Is this how other Taken In Hand couples see it? Are there any other articles on this site that address this?

Molly

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jan 19 - 13:14 | reply to this comment

agree with Molly

I agree with Molly - the most important thing I got from the original Ed is that he led with a servant's heart, that the well-being of the family is what powered his leadership. I am new to this site and have have learned a lot from all of you. I thank all of you for your comments (pros and cons) - each opinon opens new thoughts for us all to ponder on and apply to our daily lives.

Thanks Taken in Hand for allowing us to share our thoughts and feelings.

A different Ed.

by Ed C. on 2008 Oct 24 - 02:08 | reply to this comment

Understanding

I really like the above paragraph it's really help me to make my wife haapy. thanks

by Nadeem on 2009 Aug 14 - 17:41 | reply to this comment

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