I have been reading here on Taken In Hand and sharing articles that are particularly interesting to me with my husband for more than two years now. It has dramatically changed our relationship and has brought intensity and interconnectedness to our marriage that I never thought to be possible. One particular interaction that we had recently related specifically to several hot topics from this site, so I’ll share.
I had gotten my feelings hurt by some very innocuous comment that my husband had made. I just closed up emotionally and got really sad. I wouldn’t normally have reacted so strongly to such a small comment, but I was tired and brooding on a couple of other unrelated situations so I reacted badly to my husband's comment.
The mistake I made, according to my husband, was to just close up on him. While insisting that nothing was wrong, I fell silent and stormed off to bed. He came to tuck me in and tried to get me to talk. Nothing he said would make me open up again and share with him. He knew how tired I was, so he let me be but said that “it” wasn’t over.
He spent the next day at work and while we checked in with each other on the phone a few times, there was still a palpable gap between us by the time the kids were all asleep and we were ready to go to bed. This is the point at which my husband did something very effective and somewhat different from what his previous reactions to my shut-down behavior would have been.
He came and lay down on top of me and began to kiss me. The voice inside my head was ticked off that he was taking physical liberties when there was such an emotional gap between us. I began to resist and said to him, “I am still mad at you.” Without hesitation, he sternly said, “Get over it.” He continued to press on me and his intention to have me became apparent. I tried to resist, but he pinned my hands above me and removed my clothes. He easily overcame me and took me just as he wanted. Despite my resistance, this was intensely satisfying to us both.
His action in reconnecting with me was so much quicker to bring us crashing back together again than any “sit down and talk” marathon could have ever been. After all, there is no marital annoyance so big that sitting down and talking about it can’t make it bigger. As my husband, he is uniquely equipped to stop me in my place, open me up and get inside me, figuratively and literally. This is not to say that we never solve our problems by communicating verbally with each other, but only that there is another option open to loving and committed couples who trust one another with their whole selves.
I don’t know exactly why being sexually overpowered by my husband reset me psychologically, but it conveniently erased any need to hash over tiny wounds verbally. Contentedly sure of his love for me, his willingness to be the leader in our home (despite resistance), and his commitment to making sure that there were no barriers between us, I was left a soft, purring kitten with no other desire but to be at peace and resume our life with joy.
In sharing this, I am reminded of another Taken in Hand writer who referred to a Bible scripture which says to wives “and thy desire shall be for thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” (Gen. 3:16, KJ Bible) Maybe in this instance, my heart and my desire were returned to my husband because he physically and effectively ruled over me?