A childhood memory

A childhood memory

As I have read the different articles about Taken In Hand, I have pondered whether this is healthy, and whether would it work for a long time—and suddenly, I remembered something that happened in my parents' relationship some 35 years ago.

My mom is normally very sweet and not a nagging wife, but one day, when I was a kid, Mom was carrying on and on and on to the point where I could hardly stand it (I was 10). Dad sat in his chair with a stern look on his face. I kept looking at Dad as he sat up a little straighter, his face looking more stern and was odviously getting very displeased at my mother. She was beyond the point of control and didn't notice in her ranting the effect she was having on him.

Suddenly (and I mean very suddenly!), Dad grabbed her arm as she walked by him still ranting away, and made her stop walking and then he popped her on the bottom a few times. My mouth flew open and so did Mom's! She rubbed her bottom and said, "Why did you do that?!" Suddenly, the room was quiet, the ranting stopped and Dad with a devilish smile said, "That is enough, Carol; stop it." Mom looked at me and I could barely hold in my laughter, Dad then chuckled and the room was finely peaceful. Mom then realized how she had sounded and then, to my surprise, she hugged Dad's neck. The tone and the rest of the day took a 180° after that.

I had completely forgot that little memory until I got on this site. I doubt very seriously that my parents do that kind of thing on a regular basis, but I am sure Mom always remembered that authority from Dad and maybe that is why she has never done that again. ;-)

My parents have just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and Dad wrote a poem and stated that his biggest success in life was marrying my mom.

Thanks for listening to my memory....and I believe that having a male-led relationship does last—as I have witnessed from my parents' role model.

Princess4rev

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Comments

Re: A childhood memory

I don't think your father should have done that in front of you, whether you thought it was funny or not it could've been handled different, without you being there. To treat a wife like a child in front of the kids could lead to the kids not respecting the mother. Even though this might have not happened in your family, it could in others.
I don't believe it's a good thing for the whole family and friends to know if a woman is being spanked, some may think it's awful, others think it's funny, but most of them will not respect a woman unless they know exactly what taken in hand is all about.

Not in front of the children

I never thought it a good idea for a man to spank his wife in front of their children, neverertheless my husband did once smack me within sight of them when he was particularly exasperated by something I had done. I don't think he cared whether they were watching or not, he was too annoyed. Possibly the man in this story had reached a similar stage of exasperation. I think the main thing is that his wife, on reflection, seemed to be happy with it, and their child observed that they were affectionate and happy with each other. I would not like it if my husband made a habit of whacking me in front of the children, but I have realised that it is possible, in certain circumstances, for him simply to not give a damn. I think the most important thing is that the children can see that we are obviously fond of each other and happy together.

Yesterday we had a bit of an altercation when we were going round Tescos. Later that evening, I was reading on a DD group a thread about women getting spanked in public. My husband was reading it over my shoulder: "Don't think I haven't been tempted" he said to me; "Today, for instance." I looked at him doubtfully. "You wouldn't really spank me in public, would you?" I asked him. "I might, given enough provocation" he replied darkly, which gave me food for thought. Based on my own experience, I would say that the children will not be too disturbed by the sight of their mother getting a whack on the bum, provided mum doesn't seem to mind it too much. What the staff and customers of Tescos might think is another matter altogether.

Louise

Re: Not in front of the children

I don't think all that matters is that the kids see their parents happy together. The father smacking the mother should not be done in front of the children no matter what. Kids might think that hitting is a way of solving problems, even if the parents seem happy about it. After all, it's a known fact that parents who smoke cigarettes in front of their children are a bad example, whether they are happy while they smoke or not, it should not be done.
Taken in hand is about control, not just being in control of another person, but very much in control of themselves. A man should be so much in control to not smack his wife in front of the children.

Being in control

"The father smacking the mother should not be done in front of the children no matter what"—well, before it actually happened to me I would probably have agreed with that. However, my husband DID smack me in front of the children, and I found that I was not as upset or embarrassed by it as I would have expected to be, in fact I wasn't upset at all, and only mildly embarrassed. What people SHOULD do and what they actually DO do are not always the same thing. My husband is not always in 100% perfect control, any more than I am myself.

As far as I could judge, my children, if they even noticed, were not at all disturbed by the incident. Nor was the lady who described the incident she remembered from her childhood.

In my own case, I have found that I do not mind my husband being bossy with me in front of the children, or indeed in front of anyone else (he always has had a tendency to carry on as if he is playing Captain Bligh in 'Mutiny on the Bounty' in any case).

Whether seeing me smacked by their father would enourage them to grow up to become smackers themselves I could not say. My mother was a very heavy smoker, she smoked like a chimney for fifty years (and lived to be 84 incidentally), but I never had any inclination to smoke, I've never liked the taste of nicotine. The only period in my life when I ever smoked was when I had a girlfriend who smoked Black Sobranies, which I could never resist, they had gold filters and I thought they looked so chic, I never refused one when she offered it. What I mean is peope don't necessarily do what their parents do. In any case, by the time they're teenagers children think their parents are naff anyway, they wouldn't be seen dead copying them.

Look, we get on a lot better these days, we don't have awful rows any more, and I should think myself that hearing us screaming at each other (as sometimes used to happen in pre-Taken In Hand days) would be more upsetting for the children than seeing their mother get a one-off smack on the bum. I'm not saying I would like him to make a habit of it, I'm just saying that it didn't really seem to matter all that much when it actually did happen.

Louise

The hidden benefit.

Good point Louise C. I would be curious to know how many other parents have benefited from less screaming and yelling in front of there kids do to a Taken In Hand relationship. I for one, have noticed those benefits.

I also wonder if some of this is cultural. Where my husband grew up public display of affection (PDA) was taboo. He hardly ever saw his parents kiss even in the privacy of their home.

Where I grew up it was common to see PDA. I got quite used to seeing men grope their wives in public, and it was not uncommon to see a man pinch his wife's bottom in full view of everyone. In such settings as the park, or at a ball game he might even place a full slap on her back side. All in good fun. As a small child it was simply explained to me that some married couples do that. My parents kept their PDA to good clean hugging and kissing. I have to admit, I admired the couples that where so comfortable with their relationship that they where able to show affection in public. That is how I saw it.

In my marriage, my kids see our affection for each other. Hugging and kissing mind you. I want them to know that affection between a man and a women is natural. However, my husband still clings to the traditions of his upbringing, and the PDA stops when we leave the house.

I also think there are different degrees of spanking. I would not advocate punishment spanking in front of children. However, the "love pats" I witnessed as a child where harmless and in no way promoted violence. Some cultures might see it as degrading to women. As a child, all I saw was couples in love.

I guess my point is, there are ways and benefits to having a Taken In Hand relationship while parenting. The originally story seemed harmless enough to me. Now if some one said, "My dad would make a display out of brutally spanking my mother in front of the whole family once a week. He made sure that we all knew what he dislikes about her character." (Just an example.) Hum, now would be bad. See the difference.

My dad..

I just saw this reply and respectfully I have to stand up for Dad. He isn't a spanker of Mom and on that day many years ago, Mom was acting like a child and she wouldn't stop. The 'pop on her bottom' was just that...a pop. Not an over the knee or in a humilating way toward Mom. I am kind of humored because everyone says how they wish their marriages were like theirs. I am so blessed, so is Mom and Dad and they know it too. Dad is the Head of our family and does it with quiet, loving authority. He is proud of all of us and especially of Mother....he puts her on a level that no one will ever be on. My Dad is a wonderful man and would never harm Mom or anyone...unless they were trying to harm one of us.

Thank you for the reply but really, I was not harmed at all that day, Mom wasn't humilated, Dad had his devilish smile and Mom stopped her ranting and if anything was harming, it was the bitching that had been occurring, not his love pat.

They are very much in love, even after 50 years of marriage. And I cannot put it in words how their hand-holding to this day to playful pats and hugs has given us kids comfort. Their attention to one another has in no way harmed any of us. If I could be so lucky to find what they have.....