A beginners' guide to spanking

Many or possibly even most Taken In Hand relationships do not involve any kind of physical control or spanking, but some do. A reader desirous of spanking asked how long and how hard should a spanking be? The answer to the reader's question, how long and how hard should she be spanked when being taken in hand physically by her husband?, is that it is not a matter of how long or how hard, and thinking about it that way is likely in some cases to be problematic.

What the man should have in mind, especially if he and his wife are beginners in terms of spanking, is not a certain number of blows or a certain number of minutes of spanking at a certain impact (we're not working on a car here, chaps—your wife is a more complex entity!) but how what he is doing, in this situation, is affecting this particular individual woman at this very moment.

Someone who has never been spanked before or who is of a sensitive disposition, or whose hormones are getting the better of her, or who is upset, or who hates to displease her husband, might be in floods of tears and really have had enough after only three whacks. Someone who has been spanked nightly for three decades might well be fine with an hour of hard spanking.

The man needs to be less concerned with textbook numbers and more concerned with the state of mind of his wife. He also needs to be concerned with the physical effects, but the most important aspect is the psychological. Is she still defiant? Has he been sufficiently thorough? Is she now crying freely and clinging to him? Does it seem as though she can't take any more?

Does she seem not to have been much affected yet? Does that seem likely given what he has done, or could it be that something has gone wrong, and that she is unable to show how it is affecting her? If he asks her to rate honestly what he has done so far on a range of 1 to 10 where 10 would be on the unbearable end (the “enough!” end), and 1 would be barely feeling it, how does she respond? What do her eyes say? Has something gone wrong? Is she panic-stricken and distressed? Is she still connected or is she strangely emotionally dissociated, disconnected, paralysed, blank-faced?

The answer to the question how long and how hard? is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer. There is no recipe that will be good with all women or in all circumstances. Not only are all women different in terms of what they can take, what an individual woman can take varies not just over time and with experience, but depending on a large number of factors too numerous to cover exhaustively here. For example:

What was her antecedent state of mind or emotional state?

If, just before he started, she was in a good state of mind, then, other things being equal (which they never are!) she might well be able to take more than if she was in a highly emotional state before he even started.

What was it that led to the spanking, and how does she feel about that?

The woman's view of the situation can have all manner of effects. If, for example, she thinks the spanking completely unjust, then it could be that she would be able to take—and indeed need—either a lot more, or a lot less. If the spanking is just a bit of fun, she is much more likely to be able to take more than if it is deadly serious. If the man is spanking her because he has had a bad day at work and needs to take it out on her, if she is happy to be used that way, in general she will be able to take more than she would be able to take if it were about her. But if she is not happy to be used that way, then obviously the reverse might be the case.

How attuned is the man to the woman?

Is the man good at gauging the woman's responses? Is he very insightful psychologically, at least when it comes to this particular woman? Can he often tell what she is feeling, sometimes before she is consciously aware of it herself? Or is he relatively insensitive? If he is relatively attuned to the woman's responses, far more will be possible than if he is not, because if he is not, that increases the risk of something going wrong, and may be scary for the woman, and that means that he has to be more cautious and may not be able to spank her as much as if that were not the case. Such a man should take care to talk to the woman (including when they are just having a general cosy chat and all is fine, not just in the middle of a jolly good thrashing) to make sure that he is on the right track.

What is the man's state of mind when spanking the woman?

If he is furious, she might be able to take a lot less—or sometimes a lot more, depending upon how his furiousness affects her—than if he is, say, calm and lovingly-connected with her. Is he genuinely and reasonably disappointed in her? Then she is likely to be able to take a lot less.

What is the man saying to her as he spanks her?

Is he gently telling her that he is spanking her to reconnect with her and to get this issue out of the way, because he loves her and he is not going to allow their connection to be broken? Is he lecturing her kindly and lovingly? Is he lecturing her angrily? Is he scaring her? Is he soothing her? Is he coldly furious but saying nothing? What he says can dramatically affect how much is needed and how much she can take.

How much history do the two of them have together?

Have they been married for decades? Are they just starting to get to know each other? Have they been together forever but are only just starting to introduce spanking?

Is the woman often spanked?

This can make a difference, one way or the other, depending on many other factors.

What kind of person is the woman?

Is she the sort of person who is calm and not easily panicked? Then she will be able to take more than the kind of woman who is more emotionally labile or likely to panic. Is she the kind of person who thinks that spanking is pussy stuff? Then the man may need to use a whip or a cane or some other implement, and/or he may need to get a lot more creative psychologically. Is she the kind of person who has a high degree of mental control over how much pain she perceives? Then again, she will be able to take a lot more, and the man will need to use a lot more psychology and creativity in his approach.

What is the woman's pain threshold?

Some women just naturally have a very high pain threshold, while others have a naturally low pain threshold. With a woman with a very high pain threshold, the man is going to have to be a lot more creative psychologically, because the woman may be able to take more psychologically than her body can.

Where on her body is the woman being spanked?

Her bottom can usually take more than any other part of her anatomy.

Is the woman a strictly bottom-only person? Is the man?

If the idea of spanking anywhere other than on the woman's bottom is completely unacceptable to one or other of the persons, that will affect what is possible and desirable.

How experienced are each of them in terms of spanking?

Not only do people learn with experience, a woman who has been spanked a lot in the past can often physically take much more than she could when she was first spanked. The inexperienced woman can be spanked black and blue with just a few spanks, whereas the woman who has been being spanked for years tends not to bruise anything like as much. The experienced woman is also less likely to panic, and thus may well be able to take more.

Does the man know what he is doing?

If the man is well-versed in what is safe, more is likely to be possible than if the man knows nothing about safety and has no clue what he is doing. If the man does not know, for example, that it is absolutely essential to avoid hitting the coccyx, the kidneys, and so on, the woman might well want him to seek advice from a competent person such as an open-minded doctor friend before he starts spanking her. Note that there is a lot of medically unsound and very bad advice about safety on BDSM sites, so it really is better to check the facts with a doctor if at all possible.

What implement is being used?

Different individuals can take more or less with different implements or hand spanking. Some can take a lot of hand spanking but little caning or whipping. Some can take a lot of caning but little spanking or paddling. The different things feel different (some talk in terms of bark versus bite, others in terms of thud versus sting, some go into the mathematics of momentum, wind resistance, surface area, impact, etc.), and different women prefer or can take more of one kind than another.

What is the woman's current physical condition?

If she has recently been beaten black and blue, or if her skin has been damaged by a previous beating, or if her skin is fragile or if she is currently very sensitive physically for some reason (perhaps because of the time of the month), the man will not be able to do as much as if that were not the case. He might have to spank a different area, if that is an acceptable idea in their relationship. He will need to be more creative and use more psychology and rely less on the physical.

Is the woman in danger of getting “leatherbottom”, and is that a problem for her?

Skin that has been repeatedly spanked can become tough and leathery. This can be fine for some, but for others, it is really very unpleasant, and to be avoided at all costs.

What is the temperature of the air?

This can make a difference to what can be tolerated.

How fit is the woman?

This can make a difference, too. If, for example, a thin cane is being used on a very voluptuous woman on a flabby area of her body, the slack flesh might fold around the cane too much, stretch and tear, so the man would have to be more careful, use less force, and quite probably use a thicker implement or his hand instead.

Where is the spanking happening, and is privacy an issue?

If, for example, the woman fears that the children will hear, she will be able to take less than if she feels completely safe in terms of privacy. If the spanking is happening in the privacy of their own cellar with no chance of being disturbed or overheard, more will be possible than otherwise—unless of course the woman is the sort of person who likes being spanked in public.

Is the man she is with the right man for her?

With the wrong man, she may just find the whole idea of being spanked unbearable, or she might feel completely indifferent to it, or she might be unable to express any emotion even when she feels extremely distressed, or she might even dissociate from the pain. The connection between the two may be not right, or it may be non-existent. If she has not been spanked before, she might well conclude that it is definitely not her cup of tea. (This could also happen with the right man under the wrong circumstances!)

A warning about abuse

Is the man connecting with the woman through the spanking, or is he disconnected and simply taking it out on her abusively?

If the man is angry and taking it out on the woman, and not with any intention of reconnecting or getting the issue dealt with, that would be a very, very bad thing. That is the stuff of abuse. Whilst something bad might happen once in a blue moon, if there is a pattern of disconnected, abusive spanking, that should be a big red flag, putting it mildly. If spanking does not reconnect you, do not do it—or find a way to do it that does reconnect you. Sometimes, at the beginning, it can take a bit of time and trial and error to find out what works for the two individuals as a couple. If the man is anxious to find a way to do it that is connecting and constructive, then having patience can be fine, but if he seems not to care how the woman feels, and does not seem open to the idea of making changes in what he is doing, the alarm bells should be deafening. If your man is abusing you, leave him and get help, before it's too late.

Spanking without sound

Hand spanking is terribly loud and not ideal if privacy is an issue. Implements that are quiet are the thin ones like a birch, a switch, a cane or a buggy whip. If the sound issue is the woman's screams, a gag might help, but note that this means the man will have less information about how what he is doing is affecting the woman, and in some cases, this could be a problem.

A note about bruising

When a woman has never been spanked before, it is very common for there to be very alarming-looking bruises after a good thrashing, so don't worry if this happens to you. But if you are someone who seems to bruise much more easily that other people, do mention it to your doctor, because this can occasionally indicate a medical condition that needs attention.

Spanking without leaving marks

If the woman has been spanked often, spanking may not leave bruises. But if she has not, it may well do. If you want the spanking not to leave any bruises, and the woman has not been spanked much before, then you will want to start softly and experiment. You might want to try a leather paddle, a wet towel, a broad leather strap, a multi-tail whip (known to Americans as a “flogger”) with multiple strip (not square) tails of suede, or perhaps a bushy or rod birch, instead of hand spanking.

A single switch can, like other thin implements, do some minor damage (or even kill, if it ruptures a kidney), but the rod birch (a bundle of light switches (saplings) tied together with string or strong tape) makes a series of lighter impacts over a wider area, and is unlikely to cause serious injury. A bushy birch (a bundle of light twigs tied together with string or strong tape) makes far more impacts in number, over a far wider area, but because each impact is much lighter, it is much less likely to bruise or cause any other significant injury (though it may well leave tiny cuts). If you want not to leave cuts, doing it on clothed skin can help. Be sure you know what you are doing before making your own birch. For example, you need to know that you should never use evergreen twigs—fir, spruce, yew, etc.—as they are dangerous because of the toxins they contain. A birch is more of a seasonal implement, requiring more young, green, sap-filled twigs or saplings as opposed to old, dry ones, and it needs to be used fresh.

Spanking safely

Hand spanking on the lower bottom (avoid the coccyx) is undoubtedly the safest thing. Using implements can be dangerous, and don't even think of using a bullwhip if you don't know what you are doing: it can easily injure and kill. And spanking other parts of a woman's body can also be dangerous and care needs to be taken. For example, spanking between the legs can in some cases cause urinary tract infections. It is best to err on the side of caution and start slowly, softly, safely and gently, checking that there is no problem, gradually doing more as you get to know what the individual woman can take.

If you are a woman wanting to be thoroughly taken in hand, do not expect to get the thrashing of your life if it is the first time your man ever spanks you. Be patient as your man explores and experiments with you. His caution is well-advised. Give it time. Talk to him if he really has no idea what is needed, but do not push him or criticise him. He needs to be in control and you presumably do not want to put him off by making it feel onerous to him.

Spanking thoroughly

Some men over-estimate what a woman can take; more men underestimate what is needed. What is needed depends so much on the individual woman that it is a good idea to talk about this if possible. Some women prefer lighter, less injurious spankings often, but many seem to crave a really thorough spanking less often but on a regular basis. The man needs to know which kind of woman his wife is.

Many women complain that their husbands are not thorough enough. They actually want the man to continue way beyond what the man thinks is enough. They want him to continue even when they are screaming for him to stop and seem to be thinking that he is a monster. They want him to continue through that, and even to keep going after she has given up the fight. They feel somehow cheated when the man stops the moment she has given up the fight, or the moment she starts crying, or the moment she seems peaceful. They want more, even when they don't seem to need any more. (Think of another intimate situation in which a woman often has to tell an inexperienced man to keep going and not to stop what he is doing. It is like that only more so, whether she is saying “Don't stop! Don't stop!” or not.)

Many women can take (and ultimately want) much more than they think they can at the time. And if they don't get it, they feel frustrated later. They may well be panicking and thinking that their man is a monster, and yet nevertheless, they will be annoyed and frustrated later if he gives up at that point. In many cases, the man needs to get her beyond that. He needs to win. And if he does not, she will feel cheated. This is by far the most common complaint I hear: men are not even remotely thorough enough. They do it much too lightly, and they stop much, much, much too soon.

The trouble is that to be as thorough as is really necessary in many cases, the man really needs to be very creative, because many woman need more than their bodies can take. And the more a woman feels a lack of thoroughness, the more often things tend to happen that lead to a thrashing, and pretty soon she is black and blue and suffering skin lesions and in no physical state to receive any more thrashings for a week or more, leaving her thoroughly frustrated.

In these cases, it is often difficult for the woman to tell the man that he is not being thorough enough, because she does not want to criticise his efforts, so it is a good idea for him to ask her to rate the spanking on a scale of 1 to 10 as I mentioned above, and to watch her eyes and body language as she answers. If she seems to be being evasive, or if her eyes and body language belie her answer, take that into account next time.


Some women do not feel controlled unless they fear being spanked, and they can't fear it unless they have had at least one really very thorough one. And many report that one is not enough. They need a super-thorough one every now and then or they forget, or start to fear that the man is not in control any more.

On the other hand, many women would hate or even be destroyed by fear. Some women enjoy the thrill of fear, but others can't experience a thrill in association with fear under any circumstances, only distress. Do be sure that you know which kind of woman your wife is!

Active, bodily spanking, or ordering her to present her bottom

Some women want to be brought to submission, brought into subjection, tamed and overpowered and controlled physically actively and bodily by a man. Being quietly told to present her bottom to the man might not work. She might not comply. Some women might actually be more taken in hand if the man were to use plain bodily force to impose his will, rather than spanking, caning, etc. Other women like the more quiet, less physically forceful and overpowering control. And some women like one thing at one time and another at another time. Some men like to bring the woman under control using overpowering bodily force and possibly active, forceful spanking, then, once they have thoroughly subdued the woman, they move on whipping or caning or other punishment that requires the woman's cooperation.

Spontaneous or staged?

Edward Anthony, author of Thy Rod and Staff, has been kind enough to suggest this addition to this guide. As he indicates, some like formal, staged, ritualistic spanking but many Taken In Hand folk prefer the spanking to be more spontaneous and “natural” in style, and less staged and ritualistic. Elaborate staging can, for some, make it seem more like a CP role-playing game, and taking a woman in hand by spanking her is not that. Some like variety.

Passionate, “uncontrolled” spanking

Some women want and welcome passionate, high-energy spanking when their man is angry, and they long for such spontaneous, “uncontrolled”, more emotionally-intense spanking that happens at those times. They find that more connecting than the carefully-controlled, measured, less emotionally-intense spanking that happens when the man is very calm and controlled. On the other hand, some women would find it terrifying if their husband were to spank them when he was angry, and in such cases, obviously, take care not to do that. But in many cases, if you are a man who is always very calm and in control, and one day you spank in anger, it is quite possible that that will turn out not to have been such a bad thing as you might have thought it would be. A man's calmness and control often makes a woman feel safe and protected; but in some relationships, spanking her in anger can be intensely emotionally connecting and cathartic for both.

To take or not to take?

Some want to be taken or “raped” immediately after having been taken in hand, as part of the taking in hand process. For these women, being taken by the man is the ultimate expression of his control, and this makes the spanking feel more thorough than if he did not do that. For other women, being taken afterwards is more about connecting and making love, and it makes them feel safe and loved. For some women, being spanked and not taken afterwards would be a cruel and destructive punishment that could spell trouble for the relationship. Others feel very differently, and would not want to be taken. If in doubt, find a way to check that what you are doing is not destructive.

She needs to feel safe with him in order to surrender

Stephen has pointed out that spanking is not effective unless the woman reaches a state of complete surrender, and that she can only reach that state if she feels connected to her man. She has to feel safe with him. She has to feel that this is her man and that she really trusts him. She cannot open up if he has not captured her heart. In order to capture her heart, he must not just care about her but show her that he really cares. As Stephen puts it: “If the husband has not taken the time and the effort to demonstrate his loving concern for her then no amount of spanking will reach her mind or her heart. He must demonstrate to her that he is worthy of such a precious thing as her surrender. It really is a tender moment between a man and his wife. If he is patient and kind and generous as well as firm and strong and determined she be his, it is then, and only then, that he can truly call her his own.”

Spanking to heal

Spanking your Taken In Hand wife has the power to heal her. If she is inappropriately anxious or panicking, it can soothe her and calm her down. If she is temporarily unbalanced psychologically, it can bring her back into a state of balanced equilibrium. If she is angry, it can diffuse her anger. If she is hurt or feeling insecure, it can make her feel better. But it can only do these things if both of you attach to the spanking that meaning, and to attach that meaning to the spanking, you may well need to express what you are trying to do quite directly.

For example, suppose your Taken In Hand wife is feeling neglected and makes an unfortunate comment to the effect that she is obviously your lowest priority. You feel a little annoyed and upset that she has said that, and you decide to give her a good hiding. This is quite probably a very good idea. It can get all your annoyance out of your system, for one thing. But it can do so much more, if you are aware of the possibility and use the opportunity.

When you spank your wife, talk to her. If you feel annoyed, tell her about that. But when you have stopped feeling annoyed, talk to her more positively. Tell her that you love her and care about her, and that you are spanking her because it will soothe her and make her see that you are in control and connecting with her. Tell her that you will spank her as often and as thoroughly as is necessary to show her that you are there for her and that she is in fact your highest priority (or whatever is in doubt in the particular case). Speak with loving kindness in your voice, but be firm. Be sure to be thorough enough. And keep talking.

When you spank your wife in this spirit, what you are doing is to reassure her that you are in control and that you love her and are there for her. You are giving her what she needs. If you talk soothingly but firmly to her while you do it, it can calm fears and anger and bring her from a state of “hormonal” craziness to a state of deep peacefulness and serenity.

It may well be possible to help someone with more severe or chronic problems too—I have certainly heard of such cases—like alcoholism and other addictions, severe jealousy, low self-esteem, borderline personality disorder, and so on, but obviously it would unwise to enter a relationship with such a person on the assumption that spanking could solve anything. Those with serious problems should seek professional help. But if you are already in a relationship and are not ready to give up on it, taking your wife in hand can help in some cases.

Teething troubles and other minor mishaps

When a man starts taking his wife in hand using spanking, things do not always go smoothly. In some cases it takes time for the two individuals to find out what works for them. Many men take a lot of time to grow into the idea and practice of taking a woman in hand by spanking her. They have had it drummed into them that women are not to be hit. Don't give up if it all seems not to be going according to plan at first. Give it time. Just be sure to make changes if what you are doing is not working.

Stephen has pointed out that in some cases even when a couple is experienced there can be occasional mishaps when a spanking doesn't work.

When things go wrong

Both men and women need to be aware that it is unwise to rely on the fact that a woman is not screaming or crying as a guide to whether or not everything is all right. Some women, and indeed many women in some circumstances or with the wrong man, are unable to cry or express any emotion even when they are in extreme pain and distress. They become “paralysed”. It is as though they are being operated on using curare (which paralyses them but does not make them feel any less pain) instead of an effective anaesthetic. In their minds they are screaming in agony, but they cannot express it.

Another problem is dissociation. In some cases, if something bad is happening, a woman automatically dissociates from it. This is her mind's way of protecting itself from unlimited distress and pain. If either dissociation or “paralysis” is happening, it will seem as though the woman can take more, when in fact, the best thing to do would be to stop immediately and hold her and soothe her and love her and support her psychologically.

Men need to be aware of the risk of these things happening, and guard against them. Spanking should be connecting and constructive. If the woman is dissociating or paralysed, it is not connecting, it is destructive, harmful, and potentially abusive. Be careful. If your wife never cries, she might be fine, like Louise and others who never cry—or she might be anything but fine. She might be in the same state of mind as a battered wife. When in doubt, talk to her and check that what you are doing is not causing harmful “paralysis” or dissociation.

If anything goes seriously wrong physically, you must call the emergency number of your country. If you are not willing to call for an ambulance in the case of an emergency, don't even think about doing anything that might involve such risk.

The Boss

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More ideas needed

I'd like to hear from people what they do that is 'more creative' in cases where their wife 'can take more than her body can'. What do you mean by 'be more creative'? What can a husband do if his wife 'wants more than her skin can take'? What can a man do if he does not want to injure his wife?

If she desires more

First, discuss with her where her desire for more is coming from. Is it emotional? Or has she built a tolerance for whatever you're using to spank her?

If it's the second, concider switching to a different tool. If you're using your hand, and she's used to that, switch to a crop, or a paddle. Every tool creates a different sensation, so one or two swats from something new may be all she can handle.

If it's emotional, find out what's going on with her that she feels the need for further spanking. Spanking can be a great emotional release, but can't always resolve the root cause of the need for such release.

Overcoming her wilful stoicism

It is not so much that my wife wants more spanking than I can give, it is that she forces me to spank her more than I want to by going all silent and stoic from commencement of the spanking.

In more than 20 years she has never 'willingly' allowed herself to be spanked.

My wife's reaction during the opening phase of a spanking partly fits within your description—she still stubbornly refuses to emit the slightest squeak at first, and in the early days I often found myself torn between a desire to spank her even harder, until the verbal counterpoint was coming up from the floor to set off the staccatto percussion on her bottom—or to relent, for fear of doing her serious injury or bruising her.

More often than not, in those early days, I relented, and ended up releasing her, spanked, yes, but far, far from chastened.

I should say, at this point, that this lady, although cultured and educated, is something of a spitfire and is not the type to demonstrate co-operation by placidly lying across my knees

Over time, I have developed ways to get her vocal chords going in order that she can express her submission verbally. At first—and I know it seems corny—I used the technique so common in "British" spanking and caning literature—i.e., making her count out loud each spank as it connected. I did not do this for the usual reason, (to add some picquant humiliation to her experience)—but to get her voice going.

What I have found is that a woman can be very stoic and take a heck of a lot of spanking, and if she is determined enough, can remain silent.

So, I always ensure that a successive spank lands on her bottom while she is calling out the number of the last, and immediately her voice breaks, midstream, into a shrill falsetto.....
"Thur-reee-EEEEE!! Agh!".
Something like that.

Then I increase the rapidity of the spanking so she has trouble keeping pace with her counting.

Women are articulate creatures, and silence, stoic or otherwise, is not natural to them.

Once dialogue has been initiated, it is not long until the unsolicited entreaties, apologies and the odd yelps rise from the floor....music to my ears.

In stark contrast to the shrillness of her words, I make a point of speaking to her in slow, measured tones, in the way an affectionate adult might speak to a wayward child.

Another way of getting a lady into fine voice during a spanking is to land three successive spanks on one spot.

When spanking her, I go to work on my darling wife on two levels—her bottom and her mind, and try to take her just to the edge in both areas. Throughout the spanking, I take every opportunity to tell her how much I love and adore her, and (terrible, arch and hypocritical fellow that I am), how it pains me to still have to chastise her like a naughty child.


I am very impressed by your wife's ability to remain silent during a spanking. I used to be pretty quiet while getting spanked, but the spankings I used to get were pretty mild compared to the ones I get now. Nowadays I can't get through one without making a great deal of noise, and usually have to bury my face in the pillows to muffle my cries. Entreaties, apologies, yelps, cries, I do all of those, but He who Must Be Obeyed never takes any notice. "I have to keep going until you really are sorry, not just until you say you're sorry" as he explains. And three whacks in the same spot—yes, he's capable of doing that too.

The complexity of spanking

Is the dynamic of using spanking as part of a loving relationship really THIS complex? The mind boggles as to what you could possibly have forgotten; is there anything else left to say?

A comprehensive piece

The boss's article definitely covers so much about the practical application of spanking. Being new to a taken in hand relationship, it certainly answers many questions I didn't even realize I had! I can see some of it doesn't apply to me at all; some of it might apply at a later date, and some of it right now. Thank you very much for taking the time to write it.

When I asked "How long and how hard?" I was very much interested in the connection that spanking brings. I see now that eventually I would have many of the questions you answered in this article, but my interest is mainly about the connecting elements to a spanking.

I imagine, and can only imagine because I've never experienced it like this, is that being naked and over my mate's knee while he takes his time with each spank of his hand, telling me calmly but with authority that he loves me very much, so much in fact that what I did isn't acceptable or won't be tolerated. I can imagine something similar to this would stir inside me an emotional remorse, a settling down and contented feeling, cleansing tears for having disappointed him, relief that he really is in control and therefore, I really am safe. That it all would bring about the strong connection I am so hungry for with him.

The situation where I get 7 or 8 hard whacks with no verbalization during the spanking and the whole affair taking less than 4 minutes doesn't give me the connection I am looking for.

I guess I'm looking for the spanking to be the bridge to the emotional connection I need with him. My thinking is that the longer I am over his knee, bare-bottomed and vulnerable, with his verbal reprimands and reassurances, I would feel more connected. I don't know that the physical pain would feel much different than 7 or 8 quick hard whacks, but the mental and emotional process that would happen in between slower whacks may enable the mental and emotional release and connection I look for.

Sometimes I fear the lack of connection in other areas of our relationship hinder the benefits a spanking might bring. Having the "perfect" spanking may not ever bring the connection I am looking for if we aren't able to connect that way in 'regular' life.

I see where there are so many elements to spanking that are so individualistic there is no one size fits all. Thanks again for such a comprehensive article and answering questions I hadn't even thought to ask yet!

J's Girl

4 minutes

Your mention of getting 7 or 8 spanks in 4 minutes made me realise how much spanking techniques can vary. My husband would normally get in about 70 or 80 whacks at least in 4 minutes, he generally goes pretty fast, he doesn't give me much of a chance to recouperate between whacks. He always finishes off with at least ten extra-hard ones, sometimes more if he's really annoyed about something, and those are agonising.

Spanking Procedures

You covered nearly everything, the boss, so far as I can see, except the following:

Preparation for Punishment: The ways in which a culprit can be prepared for corporal punishment are exactly analogous to lovemaking:

(a) The woman removes her own clothes—at least in the vital area—on command or on her own initiative. This is the route chosen by those for whom instant submission is the only rational (and honourable) option. It also “cuts to the chase” like no other procedure. Sentence is passed. The bottom is bared. The punishment begins. The sooner begun, the sooner over.

(b) The woman “assumes the position” and her bottom is bared in a ritualistic, attenuated and ultimately voluptuous fashion. This is another approach which displays trust and submission, and perhaps the method most to be adopted when the punisher is using an implement like a cane, crop or birch-rod—or when he has not made up his mind which instrument to use. By the time he has folded back the skirt and taken down the knickers something will have occurred to him. He might even leave her waiting in this position while he goes in search of the rod in question—the longer, some might say, the better.

c) She is thrown across the lap and her knickers are taken down in a ruthless, summary fashion. This is the most old-fashioned and, some would say, Paleolithic mode of spanking, force majeure at its most forcible—and for this reason, probably the most voluptuous method. It also offers the invaluable facility of providing an “alibi” for the assertive woman who is not quite sure why she is allowing this to happen to her—the overwhelming nature of the event removes all requirement for her (apparent) consent. Therefore she can tell herself she is not, after all, kinky. The drawback of this method is that it virtually dictates the punishment position—over the knee—and therefore rules out any of the longer weapons.

I can think of a few other topics that might be included, but I hesitate to bore your readers, so will merely provide brief heading summaries.

Pre-Punishment Procedures. The culprit might be required to put on special “punishment costume” (see below; to “make a rod for her own back” (i.e. gather and bind a birch-rod for use on her own bottom), or write a letter acknowledging fault and asking for correction.

Post-Punishment Procedures: the obvious penance (sorry the boss!) is standing in the corner, with or without knickers, holding the recent instrument of punishment in one hand in the style of the Regency Dame’s Schools. Another is to be required to write a letter of thanks (and read it aloud).

Punishment costumes. There are ancient precedents for being obliged to put on a humiliating or at least diminishing costume in order to receive corporal punishment. A long and ugly petticoat, a schoolgirl’s gym dress or a slave’s short tunic are well-known examples. One of the most effective is to make the culprit dress up in “full fig” of skirt, stockings, suspender belt and knickers—and then remove or at least unfasten all of the above, so that the process of re-dressing after the punishment is humiliatingly drawn-out.

Finally may I add something to your comments about the birch. You were quite right about the seasonality of woods, but willow is an excellent substitute for birch all year round, especially for the shorter, “over-the-knee” rods.

Yours in scholarship

Edward Anthony

Voluptuous spanking

Thanks, Edward, for that, and please do write more if you would like to!

I was surprised that you think that what you call Paleolithic, ruthless spanking limits one to the over-the-knee position. It doesn't limit one to that position, but I suppose there is a grain of truth in your contention that it makes using the longer implements difficult or impossible. However, there is nothing to stop the man first bringing the woman under control using voluptuous, spontaneous, Paleolithic style spanking, then moving on to requiring her to submit to caning or whipping or whatever.


I actually find having to undress and bend over my husband's knee myself much more voluptous than being put there forcibly. The act of submission makes it much sexier as far as I'm concerned.

I used to think about spanking in terms of the 'paleolithc' method because those were the only kind I'd seen, in films where the heroine annoys the hero and he wallops her, it was always done by brute force on his part. It wasn't until many years later that I finally realised that having to submit myself to being spanked was much more thrilling than being forced to it.

Rococo Retribution

Thank you for your kind invitation, the boss. To answer your point: in my experience, once a woman is across one’s lap and her pants are around her knees, it is easier by far, and probably more humane, to continue from that point than to struggle to one’s feet, drag her somewhere else—she won’t be able to walk very easily due to her knickers clogging her steps—and then put her in position all over again. I can think of a compromise, though. Taking the woman under one’s arm, as if to be spanked, or holding her face down across a table, and restraining her there while effecting a summary déculottage—and then marching her to the place of punishment—makes better sense

I can think of a few more points or clarifications that might interest followers of this thread.

The strap, the single switch and the full-size birch-rod can best be described as “loose” or slightly wayward implements, in that their tips or ends are not really controllable and have an unfortunate tendency to lash round the flank. One way of dealing with this is adroit footwork: start punishing in the normal way and then slowly back away, literally inch by inch, stroke by stroke, so that thrashing is evenly delivered across both cheeks. A far better way is to apply these weapons to a culprit lying face down on a bed or chaise longue, with a cushion underneath her hips to elevate the bottom, her upturned and tucked-in skirt to protect her kidneys and her downfallen knickers tucked into her stocking-tops to protect her lower thighs and knees. Every few strokes the punisher steps around to the other side of the bed before continuing. Since the strokes are all vertical, there should be no problem in achieving an equitable distribution; and the culprit is fully supported throughout.

Consulting my Boy’s Bumper Book of Bizarre Beatings, I discover the following rococo items:

The Hidden Placard. Immediately after a punishment, the husband affixes a handwritten paper placard with the single word SPANKED to the exact centre of his wife’s blouse, between her shoulderblades. She must wear it for the remainder of the day (or until further notice). She is not “grounded” in any way but of course if anyone calls she must hide, and if she goes out she must wear a coat, which she dare not take off no matter how unsuitable the temperature. The more she insists she is too chilly to remove her coat, the more her red face will tell another tale (to those with eyes to see, like her husband).

Punishment Pants. Between them husband and wife should select and buy a pair of the World’s Ugliest Knickers. Red rubber incontinence pants are a good choice. If this sounds a little fetishista, be assured that the discomfort of these garments—and the awful way they retain all body heat, so that the afterglow of a whacking diminishes far more slowly than usual—provides an excellent and discreet reminder of what has recently happened, and is therefore of (painless) disciplinary value. Their eventual removal can provide an occasion for reconciliation.

A Punishment Book. The discerning and dedicated disciplinarian will not wish to manage without a written record—kept continuously up to date—of all punishments administered. It also provides something to browse together during those long winter evenings.

Finally, Arnica. It makes things worse even while it makes them better.

I had also thought of furnishing a Caring Caner’s Guide but feel that perhaps that’s enough for now.

Best Wishes

Edward Anthony

Punishment Knickers

Wearing ugly knickers would definitely not be something my husband would be in favour of. He is very keen on me wearing very brief knickers, the briefer the better. If he wanted me to retain heat he'd just whack me again to keep the fire burning (he does that quite often).

My best friend recently showed me a garment she had bought over the Interent. They're called 'Magic Nickers' and they expand when they are put on until they are go right up to your chest. the idea is that they flattern any bulges so that you can wear a close-fitting dress and look svelte.

"If I wore that it would be grounds for divorce" I told her.


Does anyone have a site to recommend that covers some of the safety issues involved in spanking. For example, I'm not sure I really understand where the kidneys are located specificly and so therefore what area to avoid striking. I know there is concern with an implement wrapping around the waist and there is also concern with the lower backbone being struck with a hard implement like a paddle. Any advice on safety or any sites that are good on the subject?

While it's written for a BDSM

While it's written for a BDSM audience, "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" by Philip Miller and Molly Devon has a lot of info on this. Including an illustration of a woman's body sectioned (kinda like the pictures of a cow at the butcher shop...lol) with explanations as to what areas are safe to hit and which aren't.

Safety advice

There are a lot of places to pick up safety advice. Basically you want to avoid wrapping onto the hip because that causes nasty bruising. Problems with striking the tailbone or kidneys are caused by striking too high. The tailbone is right at the top of the cleft between the two buttocks. You don't strike higher than an inch below the beginning of that cleft. If the guy is a little clumsy he can do what my husband does and put his finger over the tailbone. A couple of times he's whacked his finger. Better that than a broken tailbone for me.

Never strike the lower back, that's where the kidneys are. If you are going to do a flogging it's upper back and buttocks only (and keep away from the spinal column).

In general if a spanking is confined to at least an inch below the top of the cleft, to just at the start of the upper thighs, that's the safe area. It is safe to strike the upper thighs also, it just hurts more. The backs of the knees are not safe.

As for implements, be careful and avoid injury. Hard caning can cut the skin and leave lasting marks.

Finally a spanker should really test the implements on himself before using them on someone else. That way he knows what sensation they produce and can gauge his actions accordingly.


State of dress

I have never been required to specifically undress for a spanking.

I can't say when he decided he was going to spank me, but each time (there have only been three) we have been in bed for the night, cuddled and talking, when he said I am going to spank you now for such and such. It came out of the blue. We both sleep in the nude, so all I had to do was get out of bed and go over his knee. He was also nude, and I wonder how, if at all, that affected the situation. I know his body responded to me, or the discipline, or the situation.

I think I have also over-estimated the time I spent there. The whole process from me getting out of bed, being spanked, and getting back in bed, probably took less than 2 minutes.

I think there might be more of a mental and/or emotional effect if I knew it were coming and had time to anticipate it, or if he administered it immediately after the offense or as immediately after as possible, or if I were required to stand before him while I undressed.

I think I wish discipline were approached with the preparation of lovemaking. Sometimes a quick "hit", most times a working into it, where the anticipation of the major action affects the mental and emotional state of the participants. Perhaps he would feel more tender, loving and protective towards me if he took more time with my discipline, like he does with our lovemaking. Maybe I would feel more connected if it were drawn out a little and not rushed.

I wish he took more pleasure in discipline instead of a treating it like an unpleasant task that needed to be done, the quicker the better too; especially since I see the discipline as another demonstration of his love and devotion to me and our relationship.

Sometimes I wonder if he is afraid of liking it too much, or if maybe it is all just too much trouble (which in my mind equates to me being too much trouble).

J's Girl

To each his own, I suppose...

I found Edward Anthony's enumeration here of the "Preparation for Punishment" procedures insightful and entertaining. He illustrated rather well some of the variety that exists in different people's attitudes toward the act of being spanked.

However, I feel compelled to offer this in response to his "Post-Punishment" suggestions. There seemed to be a decidedly infantilizing characteristic to them that casts a tone of fetishism to the event which seems incongruous with what I perceive as the purpose of spanking in a Taken In Hand relationship. So, obviously, this would not be my cup of tea.

But if there's one thing I've come to appreciate about this site it's that views that run the gamut are not only tolerated, but encouraged. To each his own.

thanks for your article

it is really well written and gave me a lot of inspiration. i think i will spank my wife a lot harder and more often from now on...

My tuppence worth!

I agree with LousieC....putting myself willing over my man's knee, or the act of undressing and bending over the bed whilst waiting for him to administer the spanking we have decided I need adds to the eroticism of submission.

My husband has spanked me from the very outset of our relationship. I believe that my submission to him and my willingness to be obedient is a huge factor contributing to the fact that he has never had to administer a punishment to me in anger. In fact, our Taken In Hand style relationship is such that we have yet to have a fight after ten years together.

We decide together what our "rules" are, not in a micromanagement sense, but in the sense that he guides my behaviour and I trust and respect his ability to help me be exactly the woman he wants me to be. If I don't adhere to those rules, even in a minor way, I receive a spanking for the non-observance. If, for example because there are others around, an immediate spanking can't be administered, he will generally tell me, quietly, to go to a particular room and to stand in the corner. Depending on circumstances, he will either instruct me to stay there for a particular length of time or he will follow me to the room and explain to me, in soft and calm tones, what I have done wrong, how disappointed he is and what my punishment will be later. If I confess to misbehaving whilst he is at work, he will often set me a written task where I write down what I have done and why it is I should not have done it. I usually read that to him as he administers a spanking later.

Spanking is always followed by lovemaking in one form or another. For us, it is very much a sexual game that we play. But just because it is a game, that doesn't mean it doesn't have a huge impact on our lives and the way that our relationship works overall. When life throws me a curve, I find it a huge comfort to be able to turn to him and ask him to teach me a lesson across his knee. I can't say that I enjoy the slaps themselves, or the whacks of the paddle if that is the implement he chooses to use, but as I lay across his lap, I feel the deepest confidence that he loves me and cares for my well-being.

My respect for him is such that I readily admit to any misbehaviour, also I find it highly erotic to submit to him in this way, to admit my sins and feel cleansed by the punishment.

And when it is over, sometimes several hundred spanks later, and sometimes only "six of the best", and after we have made love, that is the only time he will pull me over his knee, all other times I do so of my own choosing. He doesn't spank me again though, he rubs either Arnica cream or oils into my bottom and gently strokes me as he tells me how much he loves me.

I have only just come across this website and it is quite a comfort to know that we aren't all that different to many others....so thank you all for that!


Different Perspective

The boss's post provides a tremendous amount of advice. Most of it is quite good. Nevertheless, there are a few observations that I would make. Many are interrelated rather than separate concepts. None are intended to contradict anything that the boss wrote so much as to add a different perspective.

First, men have been spanking women since before recorded history. Although a totally abhorrent to the politically correct, the practice is probably among the earliest of fertility rituals. Depending on intensity and duration, spanking can run the gamut from exercise in relaxation to punishment.

Most probably, the male urge to spank and the female urge to be spanked are in the genes. It is nature's way of seducing couples to procreate and have a stable environment in which to raise their young. In fighting their respective urges—or worse, denying it exists—men and women are likely to become frustrated and even angry and the interal conflict escalates.

This does not mean that everyone has to run out and try to repopulate the world. However, understood within in the context—when the human reproductive rate had to be perhaps four times what it is now for humans to survive as a species—spanking as both a fertility ritual and nest-building exercise helps us to understand the deep urges. It also helps explain why many women marry the man who finally spanks them.

At some point, every man wonders how the woman in his life would react if he spanked her and every woman wonders how the man would do it if he did. It is a normal, although deep-seated, curiosity.

Consequently, even a first spanking does not have to be an artificially contrived event. Men and women in love often assume their natural roles in nonspanking situations. A classic example is the young woman who puts herself over her boyfriend's lap as they sit on a couch with no intention of being spanked. Ask her why she did it, and she is often at a loss to explain why. She just followed a natural compulsion that came with a need to feel secure.

The bottom line is that couples have discovered spanking on their own. It is not something that has to be—or even should be—an overblown big production. Spanking is not theater. It is a highly personal and sometimes necessary component of a healthy relationship.

Second, I have never been a big fan of cookbook spanking. By that I mean I find clockwatching or counting smacks to be less than productive distractions. The complications are too much like a parlor game.

If it is important enough to justify a spanking, it is important enough to take the time necessary to accomplish the task. Like the otherwise thoroughly genteel lady who quietly admonished her just-married son-in-law that she expected him to give her daughter at least one proper smacking with a slipper on the couple's honeymoon, I am a firm believer that first spankings should have decisive outcomes.

Among other things, a honeymoon spanking gets the potentially thorny issue of "He hit me!" out of the way before it becomes a problem when the marriage become more stressful. It also allows a man to see the woman at her worst in a supportive environment. The man truly knows the woman.

The importance of decisive outcomes is illustrated in the story of a provocative young woman who found herself unceremoniously turned over her boyfriend's lap in her parents' home. Unaccustomed to being soundly spanked at her age, she protested vigorously. According to a friend to whom the young woman later related the story, she was screaming at the top of her lungs!

Hearing the commotion, her parents rushed to see what was the matter—whereupon, the spanking ceased. However, the boyfriend made no secret of the fact that he was spanking their daughter. Not surprisingly, the thoroughly enraged daughter—who was still being involuntarily restrained across her boyfriend's lap—demanded that her father do something about her predicament. He did.

Having heard both sides of the story—which essentially boiled down to the daughter not accepting the consequences of being a vixen—the father told the boyfriend to continue what he was doing before the interruption. Then he and his wife left the young couple to sort out their differences. The young woman was absolutely furious but powerless.

Her embarrassment was made worse by difficulties in sitting down afterwards. Nevertheless, a few months later, the young woman married the boyfriend. At the telling of the story several years later, the couple was still together.

At its core, spanking is a form of nonverbal communication. Counting and clockwatching during a spanking makes about as much sense as limiting an important discussion to five minutes or twenty-five words.

Quickie spankings—much like quickie sex and quickie discussions—should never be the norm in a relationship. This is especially true of quickies involve an exchange of time for force.

Because spanking appears to be violent to the uninitiated, too many people think of it as somehow different from other forms of communication or dispute resolution. It is not. Rather, until the political correct notion of absolute gender equality insisted on warping human understanding beyond all reason, spanking was considered to be a perfectly normal human activity.

The woman gives clues to when the spanking should end. Body language and utterance are particular importance. A common threshold to be crossed is the woman's acceptance of the man's authority over her. Involuntarily saying, "Yes, Sir," and ceasing to struggle are important indicators that the spanking has reached her mind.

The two humps to be crossed during a first spanking are usually embarrassment over needing to be spanked like a child and anger arising from actually being spanked. While they may diminish over time, the venting can be quite pronounced the first time.

One strategy is to allow the woman to vent her feelings beforehand. Listen to all the objections, all the excuses. Even tolerate little white lies. Let her says everything she has to say, knowing at the end, she is going to get a spanking. For once a woman sees herself spanked, in her own mind, the rest is merely going through the motions.

When it comes to the actual spanking, a woman's embarrassment is more easily dealt with than her rage. Even if she has never been spanked in her life, or claims that her father never pulled her pants down when he spanked her, there is an instinctive understanding that loss of protective clothing is usually a given.

However, a frustrated woman's raging anger while she is being spanked may be something for which a man may be totally unprepared once a woman begins to lose her grip on the protection of a tightly held mystique. It is also something from which he should learn about her inner thoughts and motives.

A first spanking should never be ended when a woman is in a mid-stream of anger. It will breed the same resentment as building a woman to orgasm and leaving her hanging. In many cases, especially as women marry at a later age and have more partners, women come into a relationship with a ton of emotional and psychological baggage that needs to be offloaded of the marriage is to survive.

Third, while I may be considered very old-fashioned in this regard, I believe that, with the possible exception of occasionally switching or strapping the backs of her upper thighs if she is stubborn, women should only be hit on their buttocks. If a man really hits her anywhere else, in something other than roughhouse play, there is a problem.

To roughly translate an old European saying: "The buttocks of woman is made ready early in life to receive the cane." Although they would never divulge this fact to a man, most women intuitively understand that their buttocks can absorb blows that would truly injure them if delivered to any other part of their body. Even if never before spanked, they also tend to be aware of the sensitivity of the buttocks to sharp short-term pain as a fast track to a woman's mind.

Although urban legends abound, I am not aware of a case in which a healthy woman suffered any debilitating effects from getting moderately spanked on her buttocks or switched with a twig on the back of her upper thighs.

Even pregnant woman have been spanked without endangering either mother or child. In fact, there is a very old belief that it is better to spank a pregnant woman than to allow her emotions to be governed by hypersensitivity to every little thing that displeases her.

Fourth, especially when it comes time for that first post-marital spanking—and in almost every relationship between a man and a woman, there will be that time—both parties sense that something needs to be done to break the a deadlock or power struggle.

While it comes as a surprise to most men, women are often the ones to perceive spanking as a viable option before the man becomes aware of the potentially effective solution. As one unspanked wife and mother admitted, "I have to admit that it [getting bare bottom spankings from her husband] would improve things."

Although there are many times when thorough preliminary discussions are possible—and desirable—by the time the relationship reaches some impasse over some unresolved issue, sometimes discussion is not as complete as it might otherwise be. A surprising number of first spankings in successful relationships seem to be more impulsive rather than meticulously planned ahead of time.

The good news is that, within the context of a functional marriage, much of the meaningful communication—consisting of looks, body language, and the like—is nonverbal. Even in abbreviated or abridged verbal communication, silences and intonations can speak volumes.

When couples arrive at a potential roadblock in their life together, it is often because some impediment to the relationship needs to be removed before they can get on with their life. It is at this point that the man needs to examine himself to determine whether or not he is not the source of the difficulty rather than the woman.

Under the right circumstances, a woman refusing to discuss a situation may be saying that she needs a spanking as much as the woman who throws a tantrum more befitting a two-year-old. Silence and coldness in a woman are, likewise, languages that a man needs to understand as emotional blockages to be removed through spanking. Once a woman is made to cry, release of mental garbage soon follows.

Fifth, it is important to understand that spanking is more about reaching a woman's mind than it is about taking her clothes off and positioning her body. The woman for whom accumulated guilt constitutes an emotional ball and chain may, even subconsciously, seek out a lover capable of taking her in hand.

When burdened by emotional baggage, psychological frustration, or overwhelming guilt, a woman is not so much concerned with the particulars as the result. This is why, unless there is some compelling reason to do so, women seldom offer specific details of their experiences. Merely to admit, "We had a very unpleasant discussion about my behavior," says it all.

An example of an impasse might be a woman who is becoming too friendly with another man. One flirtatious young wife caught in a triangle was warned by another woman that, until she confessed her indiscretion and suitably presented her bared backside to her husband for chastening, her guilt would remain an obstacle in her marriage.

Likewise, an atrociously behaved woman—like the frustrated bride, turned bridezilla, who publicly called her mother-in-law a "bitch" in the aftermath of an elaborate but stressful wedding—is likely to know that she deserves to be soundly spanked. As a result, they may not be able to satisfactory consummate the marriage until her husband takes her in hand for a straightening out.

Sixth, when it comes to tempo, there is usually a speed of delivery to which a given woman may best respond. Often, this speed is a function of sink-in time—the time it takes the individual licks to reach her brain. Beyond that, a man should have sufficient knowledge of the woman to be able to compute the purpose of the spanking with the emotional state of the woman at the moment, along with the nature of the implement used.

Whether it is her first spanking or her hundredth, a woman's verbosity can derail a spanking if, in her spontaneous protests or calculations, she touches on some highly sensitive or, at that particular moment, some irresolvable issue in the relationship. Often, women will inject subterfuges to test a man's resolve.

If the man expects the woman to vent, the spanking should proceed at a pace sufficient to cause the woman no opportunity to register any response beyond involuntary and appropriate reactions to the spanking. A lively tempo is often best achieved with a light instrument. This, in turn, necessitates bared buttocks—which, depending on the circumstances, may not always be appropriate the first time that a man spanks a woman.

By implication, the word spanking implies not only a striking of the buttocks, but also a lively, spirited, brisk, and energetic activity that brings about a fresh beginning.

More importantly, rapid spanking is a language that women understand. Women spanked as children may remember it as mother's way of doing things. This can have definite psychological advantages for the man if the woman has vivid, but certainly not terrible memories, from childhood.

Because psychological baggage can come with tremendous weight, it is very important for the man to understand a woman's history. It is not that women abused in childhood should never be spanked. Rather it is that the man should have some acquaintance and empathy for her emotional turmoil. The man must do what is best for the woman and their relationship rather than merely what he wants to do at the moment!

The delivery usually involves rapid flicks of the wrist rather than raising the hand as commonly understood. Although fast spanking can bruise, the effect is designed to sting rather than disturb the underlying muscular structure. The number of licks, therefore, may be many times greater than if the man's hand is raised higher.

With this type of spanking, the number of contacts assumes far less importance. Its impact results from the velocity of the instrument rather than its actual weight. (For the mathematically inclined, there is actually a physics formula for calculating the striking force of implement based on the square of the velocity.)

Conversely, if the man is so inclined and the woman's temperament so disposed, the spanking may proceed at a more leisurely pace to facilitate the man reinforcing the individual smacks with mini lectures or relevant phrases. This is the method with which most men find natural.

One advantage of a heavier instrument is that, if a heavier instrument is employed, it does not necessitate the untimely removal of normal clothing to be effective. While, for example, denim jeans may present a barrier sufficient to prevent the sting of a man's hand, the smacks from a fraternity paddle or man's belt will get through.

However, as noted above, the principal difficulty with the second method is that it can open the door to a battle of the sexes—her mouth versus his hand—when, in fact, the man should take the lead and the woman should be submissive.

Seventh, unless a couple has absolutely ruined their children through their incessant infighting and similar domestic disruptions, the problem of being overheard—or, our case, with Mommy observed bare-bottomed and obviously being spanked—the problem of being found out is overblown.

Although I do not recommend the Mommy get turned over Daddy's knee in front or within earshot of the little ones, that fact is that—regardless of embarrassment to the parents if Mommy is discovered crying with an upturned red bottom over Daddy's lap—children understand spanking much better than they understand angry parents and divorce.

Even hearing Mommy getting adequately spanked to resolve the issue is less traumatic than the accumulated effects of a constant power struggle within the home. The unmistakable sounds of a well-deserved spanking are certainly preferable to the emotional eruption of ongoing verbal or physical abuse!

After all, as happened in my wife's family, it becomes a little more complicated to explain that Mommy attacked Daddy and then they got a messy divorce that was further complicated by parent alienation syndrome! The damage to children from a rancorous marriage or divorce can be significant. Often the damage caused by bickering in the name of equality is underestimated while any potential damage from Daddy spanking Mommy is exaggerated.

If no sound is an absolute must, an old-fashioned switch is ideal. It can be employed lightly and rapidly to the bared buttocks and tops of the bared thighs with amazing effect. The real secret is not in the forced used as in the time allowed for the switch to work its magic.

Although a switch can reduce a woman to tears, the advantage of a switch is that, many time, the woman need not cry for switching her buttocks and thighs to achieve desirable results. It has a calming effect.

The difficulty is that switches must be fresh for each use. The requires no only access to suitable vegetation, but also the ability to pluck the selection and take it back into the house without setting a neighbor's tongue to wagging.

Eighth, bring a woman to non-sexual climax—a release—as the result of a spanking is quite similar to bringing her to orgasm sexually. It has more to do with the man's understanding the woman and his timing than in the mechanics of the act.

Just as there are divorced couples with a history of textbook perfect sex, there are also men who dot all the i's and cross all the t's in spanking their wives and still make a disaster of things. The most important asset that a man can have when it comes time to spank the woman in his life is her trust.

For one thing, a woman must know that she is loved above all others. Without that assurance, a man may be able to beat a woman into submission, but will never make her his.

Spanking is a seduction in which time and trust are more important than brute strength. Often, the goal is to finesse an emotional release from guilt or other emotional baggage that is not otherwise possible. A common intent is to stabilize the relationship rather than to punish any offense.

The concept of dual orgasms (not to be confused with multiple orgasms) may be best illustrated by the case of a deeply conflicted young bride on her wedding night. When her new husband put his hand where no man had ever touched her before, she smacked his face.

In short order, the admittedly naive virgin found herself not only spanked until she had an involuntary orgasm as she squirmed against her husband's leg. As the spanking continued, she also experienced an emotional cleansing through her tears that she had never had before. The double release was like a new birth. In one act, her husband made her a woman and she loved him for it.

The physical act of spanking a woman is deceptively simple. Any fool can do it. The trick is to make her respect him for doing it the first time and expect him to do it again under similar circumstances. Although he does not have to be gentle with her, she does have to know that he cares.

Ninth, women come to the experience with requirements that a man may not fully appreciate until it is too late. Among those is the fact that a woman about to be spanked should be allowed to attend to a few personal matters beforehand. Otherwise, a puddle may muddle the whole experience!

Allow a woman to attend to these personal matters also give her time to reflect on how the relationship got to this point. It is not uncommon, especially if she has not been spanked as a adult, for the woman to spend more time in private than is absolutely necessary to accomplish the necessary physical business.

The delay is to be expected and a man should be patient the first time. Years ago, my wife pointed out women do not run from a man about to take charge of her. She understands that it is sometimes necessary. However, as with approaching an orgasm, the woman may simply need some time to sort things out in her head. When she emerges from her contemplation, she will be ready to accept her fate.

Tenth, women come in different sizes. No matter how much he may want to put her there, not all women will conveniently fit over a man's lap. Spanking some older women, larger women, or women with special needs—such as pregnancy—may necessitate less traditional positioning.

Frequently, especially if a woman knows she needs or deserves a spanking, she will work with the man to achieve the desired results if the man will work with her.

Sometimes, even if it her first time being spanked as an adult, a woman will prefer total nudity as symbolic of total submission. Others need the security of a top if they know they have done something wrong.

Still other will want absolutely no more exposure than absolutely necessary. This may mean a thoroughly proper girlfriend might insist on keeping her clothing in place to prevent any potentially voyeuristic exposure. Others may permit rearrangement of outer garments while keeping their knickers securely in place!

Whenever possible, the thoughtful man will work with the woman if she has valid concerns.

I think this is an excellent piece

I think this is an excellent piece and shows the author to have an accurate insight into the mind of a woman. If my ex husband had possessed this ability he would not now be my EX husband.

Needing to feel overpowered and raped

I am new to all of this. I am learning more about myself as I am more willing to be honest with myself about my own predilictions. I feel like crying as I write this because for the first time in my life I am actually admitting what I am about to admit:

I need to feel overpowered and raped by my husband.

Ok, I said it. Does that make me a wacko? I hope not. I read your article about spanking and even though it was written a very long time ago, I really needed it to be honest with myself. As I have surfed this site (several times a day since I found it) I have secretly been looking for something that would let me know that I am not alone. I have read many articles about spanking and never really thought much about it before. Being laid over my husband's knee to be spanked just seemed wierd. But when I read the section about needing to be overpowered I damn near had an orgasm!

I don't have a desire to be spanked (who knows, I might like it if he tries). Instead, I feel that I would be better taken if I was overpowered and had a "spanking" that was uncontrolled and all over the place. I want to try to get away and have him chase me down. I want to be taken over by his power and control. I want him to do it in anger and to let me know that I deserve it (without causing any serious damage!). I want him to make me take way more than I think I can! I want him to continue way past my crying and begging him to stop. And then, when I have had more than enough and the fear that I need to feel is at its highest point, I need him to take what belongs to him and to rape me. Wow.

Why do I feel these desires? Where do they come from? Am I alone? I don't want a stranger to do this to me. I only ant this from my husband! I am strong and powerful in every other part of my life! I am the boss at work. I own the business and direct all my staff. I am the boss with the kids. I dictate their days and whereabouts. I am the boss with every other part of my life. But deep down inside, I dont wanna be. I want him to take total and complete control reminding me that he is first, he is the head, he is the leader and he is the man.

Fuck women's lib! Not the concept or the struggles or the people or the accomplishments of the movement, but the idea that I should have a say in all of this. I don't wanna. But maybe that is liberating in itself. I am in my mid thirties now, on my 2nd marriage and the mother of 5 kids. Can I please stop fantasizing about it and just experience it already!?

But, how do I tell him? Telling him will take away from the feeling that it is real. It cannot be staged. It cannot be pretend. It has to be real. It has to be for me to feel my heart pound and my clit shake.

And what if I tell him and he decideds that yes, I am crazy as hell? Then what will I do? How will I go on feeling wierd and vulnerable? I just need to feel all of those emotions, the fear, the vulnerability, the anticipation, and most importantly, the cleansing tears that will come to let me know that he will protect me from everyone because he is strong enough to conquer me. No one else has before, and I want it oh so bad.


Being overpowered

Neicey, well done for admitting what you need. You are not alone, not strange, not crazy.

First some little caution: once you set your husband on this path, it may not be a one-time thing; it may not quite match your fantasy or desires; he may take what he wants, as he wants. So be careful what you wish for.

Your husband must know that he has permission, that such behaviour from him is acceptable and will not land him in prison or in the divorce courts. He must also feel comfortable that, if such desires are really within him, that is is acceptable for them to come out, just as you have struggled with your desires. Always remember your own struggles and never lose patience with him as he comes to terms with the power you are handing him.

As you say, you can't tell him exactly what you want because if he goes a along with it, he may just be role-playing, a mere actor in your fantasy. But you can tell him how deeply you feel for him, how powerless you feel at times and that you would be pleased if he took what ever he wanted from you, regardless of your desires at the time. You can talk to him about the difference between you not enjoying specific actions and you enjoying the relationship that would result from his disregard of your momentary feelings. He needs to understand the difference between you resisting an action of his and resisting his right to take such actions. You can also talk to him about fantasies in general and about what 'other women' like and how happy it seems to make them.

He will need a lot of careful reassurance. There is a lot of negative conditioning against a man taking such overpowering action on a woman and he will not want to risk losing you—or himself—in letting his full animal nature loose on you.

Best wishes,

Perhaps not exactly what you had in mind, but...

No, Neicey. You are not alone. And I do applaud your courage in coming forth and saying it out loud.

I'm reminded of something an old girlfriend of mine from school engaged in with her boyfriend. They had something they called "fight night".

No, they did not don boxing gloves and go a few rounds exchanging blows. The "fight" in question was that at a time and place they had pre-arranged, he would aggressively attempt to copulate with her and she would "fight" him off with everything she had. Each and every time he would prevail. Each and every time she was very, very glad that he did.

Of course some things were off limits. Scratching, biting, and so on. Neither one of them wanted to injure the other. But it was a genuine battle of physical strength and strength of wills.

Perhaps if you suggested something like this to your husband he might find this something he would be interested in trying. Eventually you might be able to talk him into incorporating and good hard spanking, as well.

This may not be exactly what you had in mind, but it could be of some benefit to you anyway. It could be a place to start that would enable you to begin sharing some of your other needs with your husband. Odds are you didn't marry a man who could read your mind. And since you probably can't read his mind, either, you won't know if he's willing and able to satisfy these needs until you let him know what's on your mind. I wish you the best of luck.